The Solo Life is a Good Life

I was chillin’ in the hot tub earlier today, having deep conversations with myself out loud, mostly to process my big feelings surrounding this latest heartbreak– my last one, I’ve decided. I won’t let anyone break my heart again.

I thought about what I would tell him the next time we spoke. And then I came upon a self-realization:

Perhaps I was meant to travel life solo. Perhaps marriage and partnership is not God’s plan for me. Maybe that’s actually okay. 

From the moment we are born, we are taught to believe that the institution of marriage, domestic partnership, family and kids is something everyone should strive for. It’s such a fundamental societal construct that we need not speak of it– it just is. It’s just what people do. Many people never ask themselves the question: is this really what I want?

In the wake of heartbreak, it’s easy to say, “I’m never gonna date again. I don’t need a man in my life to feel whole. I am strong and independent and screw men, they’re just a headache.”

But I examined the question from a more spiritual angle. What is my purpose on this Earth? And will marriage be an aid or hinderance towards me fulfilling my purpose?

Listen. I am an aspiring yogi. Not a perfect one– far from it. But I feel called to the spiritual path because that’s what God planned for me. I don’t identify fully as a Christian, I resonate more with yoga and Eastern religions like Hinduism, Buddhism, and its tangents, like stoicism. I used to joke, “Yoga is my religion.” I delved deep into yoga philosophy during my teacher training, and continued to study and teach the Yoga Sutras (the bible of yogic wisdom). One of the tenets is “brahmacharya”, which is the Sanskrit word for “celibacy”.

A lot of yogis are solo travelers of the world. Yogis strive to be non-attached– not bound to any person, object, experience, or thing. That is the path to true inner freedom, in my opinion. Marriage and family is a beautiful thing, but it is the ultimate form of attachment. When you tie the knot with someone, you are committing yourself to them for the rest of your life. When you bring a human into this world, you are forever obligated to be their caretaker, as you should be. There is nothing wrong with this– it is the most human thing we can do, to procreate and leave behind a legacy through flesh and blood. I am by no means shining a negative light on people who do the marriage and kids thing.

I just wonder sometimes if this is the path for me. Perhaps my sentiments towards all this will change the moment I fall madly in love with someone, which has yet to happen. I like to think that everyone is entitled to at least one great love in this life, even if that love does not become endgame. Because love opens your heart to humanity, and makes you a fuller person. But examining this further, I realize that we are not entitled ANYTHING. Not even a great love story. All glory to God. Thy will, be done. If it is His plan for you to meet your other half, it will happen in due time. But for people on the yogic path, we are shown a different path that at this moment, honestly sounds more ideal than the construct of marriage and bondage to another person. With the right person, that bond will feel effortless, and the work to build and nurture and grow that relationship will be done with enthusiasm.

I have not met that person, yet. I don’t know if I ever will. Maybe all these failed romantic flings and repeated heartbreaks is a sign from the Universe that I was meant to go about life a lone wolf. And I have some theories why.

1. I am strong enough to be by myself. I pride myself in my fierce independence. I have been single my whole life, save for an unfortunate 10 months when I was 21 years old. Single is my comfort zone. I value my freedom and safeguard it with a ferocity. Some people have anxious attachment styles– they are always jumping in and out of monogamous relationships because they are truly afraid of being alone. I am quite the opposite. I feel most vibrant and alive and myself when I am single, free, and at peace.
2. I have too many gifts to bring to this world. I know, I sound egotistical. But it’s true. I have many creative talents– writing, dancing, entrepreneurship– and those are my God-given gifts. Yes, I’ve had to pay the price for my intense creativity, which is neurodivergence. It’s a price I gladly pay (now that I’ve unlocked the secret of healing). When I am in love with an individual, I get sucked into the relationship and begin to neglect my duty to use my gifts for the greater good. Too easily, I abandon my myriad missions. God doesn’t want that for me. He wants me to use the gifts he bestowed to help as many people as I possibly can.
3. I have too much love to give. When I love someone, I love, hard. I have a big heart. Maybe my love for a single person is too intense, and not everyone can handle it. I also love my family, friends, and students. If I squander my love on a sole individual, I wouldn’t have as much love to give to others. Is that a naive way to view it? Do I not know how to compartmentalize romantic love with other forms of love and devotion? Maybe not. All I know is this. When I’m single and free and at peace, I bring my best self to my work and community. I can’t do that when love and its evil twin, pain, ties me down.
4. I am too ambitious. A start-up founder I once dated told me, “Love is great. But there is a price to pay for it, as well.” He was probably referring to his unrelenting ambition and work-related goals. A relationship is its own behemoth of a mission– it takes endless work to nurture and build. I simply don’t have enough time or energy to forge that pillar of my life, at present. My priorities are self-care, my day job, businesses, and art.
5. I am willing to sacrifice. Tonight, I felt a profound settling in my chest when I realized, “I’m okay being alone. I’m okay if I never get married. I’m okay if I don’t have children, my legacy will shine through my words and impact. I can be a great aunt to my nephews/nieces and teach them how to write and dance and do yoga and pilates.” If singlehood is the price I have to pay for fulfilling my purpose, so be it.
6. My art fills my soul. Perhaps with extremely gifted people, the price we have to pay for our gifts is not only a normal-functioning brain, but also the instinct to partner-up and get married. You look at extremely successful creatives in this world, and many of them have been married. But an equal number of them have not. They died alone, but I’d wager to think they were anything but lonely, because they had their art to feed their soul. Art cannot fully supplant human connection, but it’s the next best thing. In yoga philosophy, they say the root chakra is for “creation and procreation”. Many famous creatives were also hypersexual– Sylvia Plath is one that comes to mind. I had a guru once tell me that when you’re celibate, you are able to preserve that creative energy for artistic pursuits. Sex depletes energy, according to Eastern principles. So, are you willing to give up lust for a grander mission? I think I am. I’ve had enough sex to last a lifetime.
7. I feel my best when I am alone. This may be the simplest reason of all. I feel good when I’m single and alone. That’s my comfort zone, and we’re drawn to what’s comfortable and familiar. If I had to put an identifying label on myself, I would call myself a “sigma”. Or a personal nickname– “sigma-alphoid”. A hybrid between a lone wolf who is unafraid to forge her own path, and an alpha female who stomps her way through life to leave the world better than she found it. When I’m single, I am free to be my truest sigma-alphoid self. No one can hold me back from my mission to serve the greater good.

And that’s my two cents on why my love life has thus far been tragic, and why I am happy to stay celibate and single for a while, if not forever. Those of you reading who’ve been in love and found their forever partner must be chuckling at my child-like naivety. You might be thinking, “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Love will humble her. She’ll know it when she feels it.” Perhaps you see this post as nothing but a mental negotiation and cogitation out of heartbreak… a little temper tantrum cooled down by logic and nice-sounding words. Maybe all of that is true. But tonight’s post holds emotional truth– the truth of what I feel, in this moment. That’s the essence of writing, is truth-telling. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel differently. Who knows? Life is filled with a myriad wonders, and oftentimes we are a mystery to ourselves. Thanks for reading.