Welcome to Seattle, baby! We are back in the US today, and last time I was in Seattle was 2021, when we were helping Chris move to his new apartment, as he had just gotten a job at Amazon.
Having seen all the sights of this city, I’ve decided to stay on the ship today and really relax. We’re talking, steam rooms, gym time, reading and writing, lounging on deck 15, exploring quiet nooks in the ship, meditating, the whole nine yards of self-care. The past two nights aboard the Ruby were ROUGH emotionally, but I am feeling a lot better today, especially after a soothing steam session this morning.
I’m sitting on my balcony as I begin today’s post. It’s 1:26pm and I just ate lunch— chicken tenders and fries from The Salty Dog. So bad, but so good. Again, it’s vacation, so what is a diet? Who is she? Don’t know her!
I had a long talk with Franco, one of the fitness trainer on the ship, and he talked to me about his life as a cruise ship trainer. He gave me a very different outlook on the job than his colleague, Yogi, who was burned out after 5 contracts and effectivley told me to stay away from cruises and remain on land. Nope, Franco loves his job. He’s also very new, this is literally his first month of his first contract. The job fell effortlessly into his lap, and when things are effortless, it usually means it’s the right path to take. He’s loving the experience of traveling the world, eating good food, getting free housing, and saving money while doing what he loves.
I’ll be honest, talking to Franco reignited an old dream of mine, which is working on a cruise ship. I used to want to be a cruise ship dancer, and it’s not altogether unfeasible, even now. I’d just have to train intensively for a year in different styles, kill the audition, and get the contract. But now, I have other skillsets and options— I could be a yoga, dance, pilates, and fitness instructor on board a cruise ship! I speak English very well, I’m a good communicator and instructor, I have experience in business and sales. I am well-qualified for the role, as far as functional duties go.
As I went down this rabbit hole, I realized that the cruise ship dream is not realistic for someone like me, with a mental illness that is legally recognized as a disability in the US. Franco told me that cruise ships are very strict with health screenings, and that they only hire the healthiest people, and for good reason. You’re stuck on a ship for months at a time— what if you relapse and get sick and need immediate medical care and can’t get it? I didn’t tell Franco I had bipolar, but I didn’t need to. I knew the answer already, even before I took to Reddit to confirm it. A young woman posted on Reddit inquiring about working on cruise ships as a dancer— it had been her dream for a while– but she was recently diagnosed with bipolar type II. The general consensus in the comments was that bipolar would hinder her from getting hired, because it was too risky a move from a legal and functional perspective. “Reality sucks,” people said, but it is what it is. So even though I had an itch to work on a cruise, it just isn’t my path. And I need to accept that.
Just came across an instagram quote: “What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.” -Sheryl Sandberg.
I think fear serves a purpose: it’s to keep us away from danger. A healthy dose of fear towards real threats— like driving, for instance— is a GOOD thing. Oftentimes fear exists in our head, and we’re afraid to go after experiences, opportunities, challenges, and relationships, because we’re afraid of getting hurt. You have to discern between real and perceived threats. Is working on a cruise ship a real threat to my mental health? Honestly, I’d say yes. I would be upending my life, my work, friendships, businesses, to live on a ship for 9 months at a time. I’d be an ocean away from my support system— therapist, doctor, family, close friends. I wouldn’t have easy access to medication. I’d be living in close quarters with very little personal space, working long hours, feeling homesick, maybe even seasick, and scared as all hell that I’ll have an episode and not be able to function. It could be dangerous, too. What if my mental health gets so bad, and I start having passive suicidal ideation, and I spend my nights wandering alone on the top deck of the ship gazing down at the choppy waters beneath me that could end things in a split second? No, the cruise ship dream is but a dream, and it will remain that way. You’re allowed to outgrow your childhood fantasies, and you don’t have to regret that.
I need to restock on Red Bull. Thinking about heading off the ship and walking to a nearby store and getting a few more to fuel the next few days. Can’t believe this trip is over halfway over. It’s already Thursday, which means I have today, tomorrow, and Saturday on board the ship, and Sunday is back to SF, back to reality. I won’t think that far ahead, I will enjoy today as much as I can. Okay, time to get ready to disembark. Talk later!
4:11pm
Just got back on board the ship after a quick walk around Seattle’s pier. I met up again with my fitness trainer friend Yogi and we bought some goodies from select stores, I stopped by a coffee shop to go to the bathroom and order a small matcha latte, and Yogi had to literally run back to the ship because he had to teach a class, and I took my merry time getting back on board. Ran into a couple people I knew from the ship (I danced with one adorable Chinese older lady, she’s literally my designated dance and hip-bump partner) and on my way back to my room I ran into a Chinese dude who spoke Cantonese, and we had danced a few nights ago at the Skywalker club, and I told him I’d see him again on the dance floor tonight. See? Dance is indeed a bridge to connections light and deep. It’s a great equalizer, and I love it so much.
I’m honestly all up in my feelings right now. Primary emotion: ANGER. We’re talking, the kind that gets your heart racing. I was packing up my backpack and things from the stateroom and I went about it with a menace. Threw away trash with force; ripped off my red sweater to change into workout clothes; stuffed my laptop and swimsuit into my backpack with ferocity. This feeling is so strong, intermixed with hurt and sadness, and I need to write a separate blog post about how to deal with anger. It’s a real, human emotion, and it happens when somebody we cared about hurts us, intentionally or not, or we do something really stupid and humiliating and have no one to blame but ourselves. It’s all stewing in my head and heart, and in moments of mental warfare I turn to writing as my primary coping mechanism, and what better a setting to write than aboard a cruise ship, overlooking the serene water?
In fact, I think I’m gonna start that next blog post right now. This blog should take me 30 minutes to an hour to write, so I’ll reconnect with you guys afterwards.
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Okay, it’s been almost an hour and that post is written and posted. I think I’ve reached my writing capacity for the day, so I’ll conclude today’s blog here. The rest of the night is for relaxation and fun: steam and workout session before dinner, then dinner with family (I wanted to check out the buffet but my dad was adamant that I spend dinner with the family), then 80s-themed dance class and dance party, hanging out with friends aboard the ship, and then sleep. Have a great rest of the day, y’all, and thanks for reading!
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