I am unlovable because of my mental illness. 

This is the negative core belief that has plagued me basically since my bipolar disorder diagnosis seven years ago. I have spent years in therapy trying to dismantle this core belief that has made me so afraid of intimacy, so afraid of opening up to dating partners, so scared of disclosing my mental health status to the world.

By the way, I feel fearless when writing, which is why I have no problem writing about my bipolar. But in real life, it is a lot scarier to introduce yourself to someone and say, “I have this thing. It’s bipolar disorder.” Because of stigma, my fellow neurodivergent individuals and I live in fear of being found out. For many of us, our diagnosis is our shame story– we think ourselves unwanted, unlovable, damaged, and flawed because of something we have, that was in no way our fault.

Last night, something happened that further solidified this core belief of mine. I was supposed to go on a date with this guy I met at a party last Saturday. We had been texting every day since our initial meeting, and we had planned to go to Dumpling House in San Francisco for dinner tonight.

Well, that is no longer happening. He texted me around 5:30pm yesterday saying that after further thought, he was no longer interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me, on the grounds that he was “not in the headspace to date” and thought it a disservice to me by not being emotionally unavailable for a romantic relationship.

I was definitely a bit shocked and taken aback by this sudden change of heart. It seemed to happen out of nowhere… he was very interested in me at the party last Saturday. We had deep conversations, we ditched the party together to get hot dogs, came back to the party, and when he left, he invited me back to his house, to which I politely declined, and he leaned in to me, evidently expecting a kiss, and I just gave him a hug. Way to go, Bel, for not being “easy”. Then he invited me to dinner, which was supposed to happen this evening.

What changed, between then and now? Well, he has been following my Instagram stories closely, and lately I’ve been posting extensively about mental health advocacy and all the work I’m doing, like starting a Neurodivergent Peer Support Group next Sunday, and interviewing individuals with mental health challenges for my podcast. I told him that I was in the middle of completing a mental health training, and he asked me what it was about, and I said, “I’m training to become a peer support specialist who can help those with mental health challenges.” He didn’t really say anything in response.

So, he knows that I’m passionate about mental health, and it’s not a far-off assumption that I, too, am neurodivergent. I never told him about my bipolar diagnosis, but he’s probably thinking, “Oh, she has something too. Is she crazy? Nah, I wanna stay far away from that.”

That’s the only plausible explanation I can come up with for his change of heart. Now, I know that may be a false assumption. Maybe he was, in fact, speaking his truth– he thought about it more, and he just isn’t available to date. But then why the heck did he give me all those signals expressing his interest? Why was it that we were texting throughout the day on Saturday, then I posted something on my Instagram story about mental health, he watched it, then promptly changed his mind about me?

It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that mental health stigma is the culprit behind his sudden absence. Don’t we all want to date normal, put-together, straight-edged people who don’t have mental illness? Don’t we all want a partner who is simple, not high-maintenance, and happy and normal and fun?

Truth is, most people are not like that. It’s an unrealistic expectation. I, for one, want to date someone who has suffered– not necessarily from mental illness, but it could be anything– because pain and suffering build character and expand one’s capacity for empathy. I need an empathetic, sensitive partner who can support me when I’m struggling. Who won’t judge me for a label I did not ask for. Who will applaud me for all the work I am putting in to stay stable. Who will gladly ride alongside me on my continuous journey of healing, and be my biggest cheerleader. I need someone who will stick by me when symptoms arise, because that can very well happen. I need someone who will stay even when my bipolar symptoms “inconvenience” him.

I guess this guy doesn’t have the capacity to do that. If he’s not emotionally available at the moment, he isn’t a good fit for me. By the way, this is a guy who told me that the next girl he dates, he will marry. So what he’s saying is, I’m not marriage material, right?

Well let me play devil’s advocate for just a moment. All these conclusions I’m drawing about him are not based on hard fact. They are a product of emotional reasoning. I felt hurt and rejected, and that triggered my negative core belief that I am fundamentally unlovable, and that I repel good guys because I’m just… too much. Another brick stacked on the wall I’ve built around my heart.

But I realize that this kind of thinking doesn’t serve me in any way. Maybe he was, in fact, telling the truth. He didn’t want to hurt me because he couldn’t be fully present with me at this moment, and that’s why he rejected me. Not because of my mental health status– he doesn’t even know about the bipolar. He may suspect that I have a mental health condition, but that may be irrelevant to his decision. I’ve learned that to preserve your sanity, it’s better to take people’s words at face value and not go in circles wondering if they are being truthful, or what their hidden implications are. Just accept his words as they are, and move on.

Today I’m feeling a lot calmer about the whole situation. I am single, not ready to mingle, ready to do the deep work of healing from my inner wounds, and when the time is right, I will find my future partner.

Thanks for reading, everyone. Have a blessed Sunday.