Dearest readers,
Happy Sunday, and Happy Easter 2025! I just got back from a two-day trip to LA, and it is high time for self-reflection, because man, was this trip pivotal.
I want to start off this post by saying that today is significant: not only is it Easter (we don’t really celebrate, in my family), but it’s also the first full day I’ve had off from work in a VERY long time. It’s absolute magic. I didn’t set an alarm to wake up this morning, woke up by habit at 7:30am, went back to sleep until 10:30am, and scrolled mindlessly on my phone for a good 15 minutes before crawling out of bed… nothing to do, nowhere to be, just me, myself, and I, enjoying the beauty of rest. I couldn’t be happier! First thing I did was put on my swimsuit and go for a swim and hot tub sesh at Bay Club, and I also reviewed new sequences for my Yoga Dance class. Unfortunately, I think I overdid it with my upward dogs and chaturangas (my body ain’t young and sprite no more) and now I have a mild backache. But, no matter. Nothing can take away from the beauty of today. Plan on writing this post, hanging out with bestie Allan during his lunch break– it’s been too long since we spent time together– and then I’m gonna go to Ocean Beach, bask in the sun, swim in the ocean, and that’ll take me until 7:30pm, when I’m having a date with a guy I met last Saturday at the Infinite Love party! Ah, life is great.
So, the past couple days I was in Los Angeles. I founded a heels dance club called Bruin Burlesque during my third year of college, and only had two academic quarters with the club before I graduated. Little did I know that this club would continue onward without me, and on Friday night, they put on their annual cabaret and invited me as the guest of honor! It had always been my dream to revisit the club I founded, and this past weekend, I did just that. I was nervous about going on stage and speaking to the audience of 100 as the FOUNDER of the club. What do they expect of me? Do they have preconceptions about what the founder is like? SOCIAL ANXIETY, ACTIVATED! What if I’m flustered on stage? What if I do not effectively embody the confidence and sexiness of heels and Burlesque dancing? Would that make me look like a fraud?
I spent extensive time in therapy discussing how I should go about this experience. Should I present myself as “Felicia”: sexy Latin/heels dance alter-ego, confident to the point of being extravagant, overly extroverted, performer to the core? Or should I just be myself– Belicia– a young woman with a tad bit of social anxiety, humble, deep-thinking, creative, passionate, authentic? My therapist urged me to be the latter. “Just be yourself, speak from the heart, and they’ll love you. They already love you. If they see you have a little bit of social anxiety and shyness, that’ll make you more interesting and relatable.”
And so, that’s what I did on Friday night. I dressed to the tens, and at the end of the show, the club’s president, Caroline, invited me up on stage and introduced me as the founder, and gifted me a bouquet of pink flowers.
“This club means a lot to us. Kind of like the sorority we never had, never would have gotten into… [laughs from the audience]… but no, I can’t imagine going to this school without being in this club, genuinely. Thank you for what you started.”
More applause from the audience. And then I gently took the mic from Caroline, and began my 5-minute speech. I talked about the club’s humble beginnings, where it was just me and two other members. I expressed my deep-seated, unbridled passion for dance, and how dance has propelled me out of my social anxiety and shaped me into the confident woman I am today. I told them about my vision for Bruin Burlesque, and how I always wanted to make this into a performance team, but didn’t have enough time with the club to see my dream to fruition. But six years later, my vision has been realized. The club is thriving, the dancers are performing, they put on a freakin’ show, and it’s everything I ever imagined Bruin Burlesque would become. I told them about what I’m doing post-grad, how I’m a professional dancer, instructor and choreographer, entrepreneur, writer, podcaster, and how my entrepreneurial spirit began with founding Bruin Burlesque. I offered advice to the college students in the audience: “Be fearless with your college journey. Take classes in topics that genuinely interest you. This is the only time in your life when your only job is to be a student, a consumer of knowledge. So take advantage of that.” I urged anyone in the audience who has an “itch” to dance, even the slightest bit of interest, to try it out. “It brings you confidence, it brings you joy.” And I also encouraged students in the audience who were interested in starting their own club, to do it. “I started Bruin Burlesque on a whim, and look at how far it’s come now.” I ended with a hopeful message: “The lesson I learned from my journey is that if you follow your heart, know yourself well enough, live in line with your essence, and chase your passion, everything is gonna fall into place. All your dreams will come true.” I thanked them for honoring me on stage, and gave a hug to a dancer and student who was hiding behind the wings. And then I made my exit, all smiles, soaking in the applause.
The speech was completely improvised, and I simply spoke from the heart. I was a bit nervous leading up to it, but really, I was excited and filled with the utmost gratitude for all the individuals who carried on my club after I graduated, and built it into what it is today. I felt at once humbled, honored, and proud. Damn. I started this thing. It’s been a bridge to many beautiful connections. People have met their closest friends through Bruin Burlesque. They have learned how to dance from scratch. They have gained confidence. How trippy is that?
The next day, I taught a dance workshop to some of the members of the club. The song we danced to was “Higher” by Michael Buble– sassy, fiery, filled with attitude. The girls were in awe of me, they called me a “legend”. Am I a legend? No. I’m just a person with a passion for dance. It touched me that they thought so highly of me, when most days, I am so freakin’ self-critical. They reminded me that I have made my mark in a significant way…. if I don’t ever accomplish anything big again in my life, at least I can say I founded Bruin Burlesque, and left a legacy behind at UCLA. Man. What an honor, what a joy.
I got back home from LA at 8pm on Saturday. Was feeling a mixture of strong emotions… pride, joy, gratitude, and a little bit of grandiosity. I knew that going to an event like this and speaking in front of a large crowd posed a risk of blasting me into mania, but thankfully, I’m totally stable. If anything, I’m feeling really at peace with what I’ve accomplished, and hopeful that this is the first of many speaking engagements to come. I hope to one day be hired as a professional speaker, preaching the word of wellness, talking about my mental health challenges and overcoming bipolar disorder, marketing my book, being a champion of change in the realm of mental illness. I am surprised at how comfortable I was speaking to a large group, but I guess that makes sense– I do public speaking on a daily basis with teaching. I relished the spotlight. It felt incredible, being up there, all eyes on me, ears listening intently to the golden nuggets of 27 year-old wisdom I disseminated.
I was filled with energy on Saturday night after landing back in SF. Also a big amount of guilt at how much junk food I had eaten over my two-day trip to LA: ice cream, pizza, Chic-Fil-A. So I went for a night swim at our community pool in the freezing cold water, then jogged on the levee for thirty minutes. I ran to my favorite reflection spot, a dock overlooking the Bay, and laid down on the wooden bench, gazing up at the stars. I marveled at how wondrous life is… how if you have passion, talent, and a yearning to make an impact, you can do really big things. A little bit of grandiose thinking: I’m a baddie. A legend, as they called me. A talented and passionate young woman, hungry to take on the world. I have many gifts. I will use them to make a positive change in the world. Alcohol and substance use will only hinder me from my goals. I am too talented to be an addict. I need to get sober again, and be alert and sharp and creative, and keep working hard.”
With no one but the stars as my witness, I freshly committed myself to sobriety and healthy living, and also told myself I would take more breaks and limit my stress so that I could perform to my maximum ability. And here I am, on this Sunday afternoon, doing just that! That’s all for today, folks. I’ll talk to you guys soon, thanks for reading!
Best,
Belicia
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