Dearest readers,
I write to you in a peppy and positive mood– such a stark difference from yesterday’s low.
Not to trauma dump or belabor the point, but yesterday was rough, for many reasons. The usual suspects: seasonal affective disorder, cold weather, soft rejections and ghosts from guys I’ve dated. Later in the night, I received my first negative review from a participant in my mental health peer support group. Her concern, while valid, did not have to be delivered in such a scathing tone. When you’re depressed, you take criticism more personally, and such was the case with me. I also received a lot of positive validation from the members in the group who did stay for the entire meeting, and it was great to hear that I was making a positive difference in their lives, but because I was depressed, all I could think of was the negative review and how much of a failure I was in running yesterday’s group. But you know what they say: you’ve made it when you start to get haters. It means you’re putting yourself out there and doing the courageous thing. Standing bare and naked in the battlefield, flesh and bone ready to take bullets. But you can’t let the bullets kill you. You must be strong when you’re in the public eye. So strong, I will be. I take her review as feedback on how to better manage my group in the future– nothing more, nothing less.
I’m feeling a lot better today. I prayed to God yesterday to give me strength to fight depression, and He delivered. I was tired this morning because I only got 8 hours of sleep instead of my requisite 9, and I took my therapy call over the phone while in a half stupor. I told my therapist about the negative review, and she jumped to my defense and helped me feel loads better. Haters gonna hate, it doesn’t mean I have to stop running the group. We also talked about whether it was wise for me to actively date men right now, given my busy schedule and general emotional unavailability. She suspected I was going on all these dates to get over the guy I was madly in love with these past few months. People are generally emotionally unavailable after a breakup, but once you fall in love again with someone else, you’re back to being available. I just haven’t found that person, yet. I must keep looking, and at the same time, continue building my empires.
I wrote the following in my private diary last night:
Gah I wonder sometimes if I opt for a quieter life removed from the public eye. All this content creation and social media posting bullshit is negatively affecting my mental health. The podcast is noble work, but what if it comes at a personal expense? Like my love life? I wish we lived in a world where mental health wasn’t as stigmatized. I want to be an advocate. I want to write my book, give my TED Talk, make an impact. I need to put myself out there to achieve these big things… but the journey is not easy. I was never promised an easy life. I am tough as nails, but today was tough. Already after writing I feel much better, though. I’m gassing myself up… who needs trashy men when you have noble missions to pursue? I’m a gladiator in the arena, and today I was hit by a bullet. The depression just makes the pain that much worse. I take things more personally— rejections sting more, be it in my dating or work life. I realize I am not used to negative feedback because I’ve been praised so much my whole life. I work hard, I’m excellent at what I do, I’m a nice person… but the internet is a cruel place. Dating is cruel, as well. Being real with your mental health is a real gamble.
I’m facing challenges in my work life as a fetus content creator and entrepreneur, and I’ve never in my life pursued a job I resented. I made a point to work jobs I loved that brought me joy and validation and recognition. My career has been vibrant and fulfilling… but when you’re building a brand and business, there is a lot of behind the scenes work that is just really annoying. But it has to be done. I’m no stranger to pushing through discomfort, and I will trek this journey with enthusiasm, just like Sisyphus pushed the boulder up the mountain with a smile on his face (according to Camus). There are parts of my job I love: making a positive impact, service, creating a product that will enhance the lives of others. There are also parts of my job I hate: filming myself talking in front of a camera and posting on social to what seems like a void; marketing; editing videos. All things I’m not well-versed in, and if I had more money and resources, I would gladly delegate this background work to someone more skilled than me. But alas, I am in the broke startup founder phase, and it’s a rite of passage that all entrepreneurs must endure for their slim shot at success. No matter, I must keep trekking forward with my head held high.
I’m meeting with an old friend / lover in SF later today. I guess it’s a date? But there’s a reason it didn’t work out between us in the first place, and now I see him as merely an old friend who feels familiar and reminds me of simpler times. It’ll be fun to catch up with him and see what he’s up to. Also the fact that I get to dress up and chill on a rooftop bar in the city with magnificent skyscraper views (nothing can compare to New York skylines, though). If I have time later today, I may hit a workout. I already taught a fun dance fitness class earlier today, so I got my cardio in. Must lift weights to build muscle and burn more fat.
I’m also embarking on a radical shift of my diet. More probiotic foods, like yogurt, kimchi, and kombucha, to fix my gut and metabolic health, which recent research has found is profoundly linked to brain health through the metabolic pathway. Vitamin B12 has also been shown to help with gut health, so I bought some at the grocery store, and got some probiotic vitamins to boot. I need to lower my carb intake and increase my protein and healthy fats, but every time I go to Google for lunch (like I did today), I splurge on carbs galore. Today was garlic rice and corn bread. At least I stayed away from the pizza squares. Progress, not perfection, amirite?
Time to get cracking on some more busy work. Talk to you guys later!
9:11pm
Ah, it’s nearing my Monday night bedtime. Gotta be up by 6:45am tomorrow, early morning client! Tonight was beautiful. I caught up with an old flame at a rooftop bar in SF called Rise Over Run (the name gave me flashbacks to middle school math). This guy and I had a history, and I guess you could call him my “seasonal” lover. Summer fling seems to be our thing, but we’re in and out of each other’s lives and loosely keep in touch. He’s also a dancer and I occasionally see him at events. Anyway, it was great to see a familiar face, and he remarked that every time he sees me I’m always doing something new and cool and advancing in my career, and that was great feedback to receive. We sat by the fireplace while sipping on cocktails and basking in the beautiful San Francisco view. The Sales Force Tower (endearingly nicknamed, “The Dick”, for its structural resemblance) stood regal and tall right behind us. It was a marvelous night.
I got back home around 7:45pm, ate a hurried dinner, and hastily finished this week’s podcast episode that I will upload tomorrow! And since then, I’ve been chillin’ in my room, wrapped in my fur coat (I really don’t think I’m gonna sell this thing, it’s so warm and cozy), reading the book “Brain Maker” while sipping on kombucha, which is great for your gut microbiome.
Anyway, I’d better get to bed soon. Thanks for reading today’s Blogmas! Talk to you guys tomorrow!
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