Top of the morn’, folks! Or rather, I should say good afternoon! I’m not sure why it feels like morning, still. It was one of those rare nights that I didn’t have to set an alarm for a ridiculously early morning— vacation is truly the best. I slept in until 10:30am, and though my brothers went to bed earlier than me, they were still asleep by the time I woke up. I changed into my workout clothes and trekked up the stairs to deck 15, where the first order of business was to lightly caffeinate with black coffee. I chugged the coffee on my way to the gym. When I arrived, I ran into my buddy— his name escapes me, but he’s from Argentina— and he works as a fitness trainer on the ship. We had a deep conversation about the job of personal training and group fitness teaching. He asked me a bunch of questions about my life as a personal trainer on “land”: when did I get certified, where do I teach, how much do I charge per hour, what age demographic do I work with, etc. I was happy to answer his questions. Our work experiences overlap in terms of universal fitness instructor themes— we’re therapists in addition to coaches, we do the workout with students during group classes, the more students in the class the better, the emotional demands of individual training can be great (people look to us not only for fitness and nutrition advice, but also to vent about their personal life). He’s from Argentina and used to work at community gyms before joining the cruise agency, and he lamented that the pay wasn’t great, and in order to make it in the industry, you must supplement your income with freelance work. That’s the only way. I liked a piece of advice he shared that was given to him by one of his mentors: “Knowledge is not power. It is potential power.” You can give someone all the advice in the world, but you can’t force them to take it. You can’t lift a weight for another person. So much truth in that statement. Case in point: I’ve had so many people tell me to slow down on my caffeine intake, but thus far, I haven’t listened. I know, for shame, Bel. Especially as a fitness and wellness coach. 4-5 energy drinks a day amounts to almost 600mg of caffeine, and it’s so bad for me. That’s why this cruise trip has been healing— I haven’t had a single energy drink (besides the Red Bull I brought on board on Day 1), and I’ve been experiencing withdrawal symptoms as a result, including drowsiness and increased appetite. Still, my energy level is high, because I want to partake in as many onboard activities as possible. I find every opportunity to dance for fun and stay up past midnight every night, dancing at the Skywalker night club and lounging on deck 15 afterwards, taking in the glorious sights of the moon and stars while inhaling fresh ocean air. This trip has really been healing in many ways. Steam room and sauna is a twice-a-day practice, and all the staff at the spa recognize me by now. I’ve made some friends on the ship— Desiree and Mika, the two ladies who invited me to watch the sunset with them last night, and then we watched the Colors of the World show, and found each other again at silent disco on deck 5 and 90s-themed clubbing at the Skywalker. There’s Jamie, the older lady who called me “ladybug” and repeatedly says how much she loves me and admires me for my “beautiful dancing”. There’s Fabio, the cute 26 year-old Italian dude who is super nice and sweet and a little bit shy. His dad is an officer in the medical department on the cruise ship, and he’s traveling with family, even though we ran into him this morning during brunch at the Bottecelli, and he was eating by himself. I asked him some questions about Italian lifestyle— the weather, the meal times (late lunch and even later dinner, like 9pm), the coveted work-life balance where the latter takes precedence over the former, which is a concept we Americans can’t seem to grasp. I’m glad I met Fabio, and though he’s attractive and sweet, I harbor no delusions or fantasies that we’re gonna be international long-distance lovers. It’s always good to make friends with nice people.
It’s time for me to meet up with my parents— we’re gonna do a quick tour of Victoria, British Columbia. Take a 30 minute stroll to this fancy hotel called the Empress, take some pictures and sight-see, then walk the 30 minutes back to the ship, and chill for the rest of the day. My goal for today is to just relax. The past 2 days on the ship have been frenetic and fun and filled with activity, but today, I need to rest. Night time is for dancing and clubbing. Yoga on deck 15 and reading/writing by the water sounds lovely, as does a second workout and steam/sauna session. I’ll talk to you guys later!
6:23pm
Finally back on the ship! My feet are sore from walking so much… what was supposed to be a 2-hour self-guided stroll on land amounted to almost 4 hours, thanks to my mom’s insatiable thirst for picture-taking. That’s just her thing… she’s so obsessed with documenting the moment that she totally misses out on the point of life— to be completely present with no stress or worry, just gratitude and appreciation for the beautiful sights and experiences before you. But that’s just mom, and I accept her. Still, my brothers and I quickly reached our picture-taking capacity (Austin’s quota stands at 3 pics an hour, and we definitely exceeded that by tenfold). The Empress Hotel was beautiful, as always. We’ve been there before, and last time we were there, we splurged on afternoon tea at their restaurant. This time, we simply took pictures in the lobby and the golden staircase, strolled along the gardens, sipped on complimentary cucumber and mint water, and used the restroom. Mom, Dad, and Chris decided to go to Chinatown, while Austin and I headed back to the ship around 5pm. Our conversation centered around dating— what is the first criteria you prioritize when first meeting a potential dating partner? We agreed that physical attraction was important. Do they have a nice face that I am drawn to? They don’t have to be a 10, but can you stand to look at this person while making love to them, or do you need to have sex in the dark, or close your eyes? LOL. I’m just being honest. I’m 27, these things still matter to me. Austin observed that while I have said I have a height criteria (6 foot and up), in practice, I am much more loose surrounding the height factor (I’ve dated guys who were but a few inches taller than me, but never shorter). All this is so superficial, and I understand how snobby I must sound right now. We agreed that personality matters much more in the long run than physical attractiveness, and that moving forward, we should give more people a chance— at least agree to a conversation— instead of writing them off because they don’t fit your “checklist”. I think that’s the mature way to date.
The caffeine withdrawal started hitting me around 4pm, and I desperately wanted to get back to the ship to drink a cup of coffee. I hate being so dependent on caffeine, and it’s totally my fault that I got into this habit. In fact, I am sipping on a cup of coffee while writing this post. It’s okay to have some vices, as long as you practice moderation… but I gotta say, I am SO proud of myself for staying sober from alcohol this trip, despite the fact that everyone around me walks around with a cocktail or glass of wine in hand. I haven’t had any cravings to drink, and I really do think I have kicked my alcohol habit. I don’t harbor false delusions that I will never have a drink craving again— that is what’s called “clean” mind, where you think you’re forever cured of addiction, and that can be dangerous, because you’re trapped in a false sense of safety. No. Once an addict, always an addict. Too easily, you can slip up on your discipline and fall back in the addictive cycle. So instead of “clean” mind, you practice “clear” mind. Understanding that relapse is but a drink away, and you have a healthy dose of fear surrounding substances that prevents you from relapse, and you actively practice coping skills and mindfulness to stay sober.
Anyway, it’s currently 6:37pm and I’m craving a workout right now. So I’ll finish up this blog post tonight! Toodles!
9:32am (next day)
Hello, dear readers! Sorry I wasn’t able to finish yesterday’s blog. It was an interesting night. I’m currently getting over a guy, and last night I hit the “anger” stage of grief— I just felt so hurt and angry by the way things panned out with this guy I liked so much. It’s not his fault, really, and it’s not mine either… it was simply a case of “right person, wrong time”. God be messing with my feelings. Instead of dancing, I chose to lean on writing as a way out of heartache. I took a seat on a lawn chair on deck 15 and wrote a letter to God, asking him for guidance. It was the only time I asked God for a direct wish: let the next guy I fall in love with be the one I marry. Here’s an excerpt from my journal entry:
I am tired of dating the wrong men. I am tired of getting my heart broken over and over again… is heartbreak a choice? Do I break my own heart because I allow myself to go after the wrong guys? Guys who are emotionally unavailable, just looking for casual, just see me as an easy fuck or a fun time, or the Other Woman they escape to when their real girl is giving them issues?
I can’t even fault him for withdrawing because he needs space and freedom. He needs to be able to see other people, meet other people, fuck other people if that’s what he wants, and I can’t be the one to hold him back from that. I’m not gonna do that to him, or to myself. Because chasing after someone who doesn’t want you back is a losing battle, and it ends with a broken heart. This is where I find myself tonight, while sitting on Deck 15 of the Ruby Princess on this windy, starless night. I am hurting, and I am letting myself hurt. I shouldn’t feel bad for feeling angry, because I have every right to.
Our connection was real, it was palpable, it was red hot and fiery, it burned so good, and I will always remember him as my first… what was the feeling? Love? Is that too strong a word? It was an authentic, human, primal connection, probably the closest thing I felt to being in love with a man. I feel like we actually connected on a soul level. Like, twin flames. I just… get him. And he seems to get me. I still care for him, but I can’t care for him or be there for him as his lover, not if it comes at a personal expense. Platonic friends, I can handle. In him I saw the promise of a great love, but maybe I wasn’t seeing clearly.. I was blinded by lust. No, it was deeper than lust and physical attraction. I connected with his soul.
What I tell myself to go to bed at night without anger or resentment: I did my job. I served my purpose. I was a source of light for him when he was suffering. Regardless of whether we continue our friendship or relationship, I DID THAT. I did a good thing, a really good thing, for someone who was suffering. I am proud of myself, and I am happy to be helpful, it is one of the most divine things we can do. Yes. I feel a settling in my chest… I’ll cling on to that knowledge when I feel myself going under again.
What is my arena? Is it business and entrepreneurship? To be honest, in this moment, I’m feeling a stronger pull towards finding love than I am chasing ambition. I really want to find my person. Can I do that if I’m married to my companies? Do I need to amass great wealth to be proud of myself? I am plenty proud, plenty happy as is. The online courses can definitely be done. VTW is my baby and I want to see it through. The dance app? That’s more Ethan’s thing, but if I can be a part of the team that brings a great service to the dance community, I’m all for it. I don’t want fame or clout or money… I just want to be loved. My desire is simple, yet for some reason, it’s the hardest thing to come by. Because you cannot force love to happen. No amount of willpower or hard work or grit can manifest the love of your life… you have to trust the journey and God’s timing, you have to truly surrender the outcome to the Universe. I am not in a place to date at this time, since I need to heal. I’ll take all the time I need. But yeah, going back to the point of my career…. I could envision a happy life doing what I do— fitness teaching, wedding dance choreography, pilates— and VTW is just a way for me to reach more people than I can at present. I’d be happy with six figures. I don’t need to be a millionaire, though I don’t see it as that lofty a goal for someone like me.
Alright, that’s it for Day 3. I woke up at 7:30am and was the most tired I have ever been in a while. I was resentful that mom and dad were not sensitive to my sleep needs with bipolar and forced us to wake up early to make breakfast before getting off the ship. We aren’t even doing a guided shore excursion, so I didn’t understand why we had to start the day so early. I snoozed my alarm and woke up closer to 8am, then zombied my way through my morning routine, headed up to deck 15 for breakfast buffet, and was still a zombie when I synced up with my family. I expressed to them that I needed more sleep, that I needed 10 hours, especially because I’m on vacation. I was annoyed that they didn’t think of my bipolar and sleep needs, and they said, “Well you wake up early all the time for work!” And to that I said, “Yeah, because I don’t have a choice!” After a bit of bickering, my parents told me that I didn’t have to get off the ship with them, that I could stay on board and relax and sleep while they explored Vancouver. I jumped at this opportunity to rest, and now, they’re off the ship and I’m here sitting on the balcony writing this post. Ah, the beauty of rest. You need your beauty rest to look good and feel good (I did NOT look good this morning, with my swollen red eyes). I’m thinking of hitting a steam and sauna session and then a workout later in the day (went a little too hard at the gym yesterday and am sore as hell). Stay tuned for Day 4!
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