DOWN THE DRAIN
It’s time for change it’s time for reformation
I don’t like the path I’m on, not one bit
A slave to addiction, not practicing what I preach
Mornings are for hope, nights are for mourning
The loss of who I tried to be
Each day is the same battle
A fight against myself
I long to be free, an escape artist from the hamster wheel
Why is it so hard to stay disciplined
Is it bipolar or a weak moral fiber
My family and friends are pure
I’m the black sheep in all my circles
Degenerate Bel, a slave to desire
God grant me the innocence that once was mine to claim
I long for the days without substances
Now I am numb, an automaton
Dopamine hunter, high-chaser
I wish I did not need drugs to feel safer
Safe from what, one may well ask
The demons are porous, they are but a mask
A way to hide from my truest self
I am the stuff of gold, why must I don a copper armor
I fear public judgment, I run from the real
I live in a haze, clarity shrouded by fog
I go to bed guilty, hating myself
For my piss-poor decisions that I wish on no one else
I am a tortured artist, is that enough to justify
The wrongs of my ways
All I need to do is try
To be better each and every day
If I stay sober, I go to sleep and pray
For another clean day
One becomes two, two becomes three
Until I have reached equanimity
Union of my mind body and spirit
Morals intact, God to bear witness
The self transformation that falls as a gift
Into my lap, though the work was endless
I don’t pretend to know all that consumes my mind
I am a yogi but so many blindspots I find
In my ways of being, I am so very flawed
I am a shadow of myself, trapped in a mirage
The haze burns my eyes, alcohol gives me a paunch
The external degradation is made readily apparent
I need to rectify my ways, no one else can do it
I am stronger than I think, I alone can do this
Or so I tell myself, until I fall prey to the substance
I love you but I hate you
Liquid courage
Poison to my body
Cancer to my mind
Down the drain you go
I no longer need you to find
The key to artistry
You are not fodder for creativity
In truth, all you do is make me sleepy
You are nothing to me, you $10 drink
You burn my throat and settle in my belly
I chug you down and refuse to think
Of all the ways you’ve hurt me and those that I love
Curiosity drew me to you, 6 years ago
It’s time to break up with you
You ruined my life
An adversary to happiness
A coward’s key move
I do not need you to help me
I alone can be true
True to myself, I yearn to see
The rays of Enlightenment
If I uncover the secret of life, I go to bed proud
Excited for new beginnings
But it all starts with choice
The decision to pour you down the drain
Goodbye old friend, my toxic ex-lover
Tomorrow a new page turns
Without your name on the cover
I vow to find my roots once more
To reconnect with my vibrant spirit and goals I once strove for
Goodbye to naysayers and enablers
Remain alcoholics yourselves, I will exit this game
Only I have the power to proudly walk away
From the demons that haunt me, I must face them with gumption
No need for alcohol to fight to redemption
Green tea and face masks, steam rooms and yoga
Journaling and resting, putting an end to overthinking
Healthy balms that quiet my body and soothe my soul
Tomorrow is another day
Filled with hope and love and promise
God help me stay sober and clean
I vow to keep my mind and body pristine
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