Dearest readers,
Happy Monday! It’s a brand new week, what adventures await you?
I woke up with a little heaviness in my chest, so here is my attempt at lightening the load. Writing has always proved a panacea for heartache, so here we are at 7:39am, beginning the journey of catharsis.
Yesterday was super fun! I rarely party these days, but yesterday was a day of festivities. It’s my boyfriend’s birthday today, and we had a big party at his house in SF to celebrate. I met many of his friends, invited a couple of my own friends over, shared great conversation with class-A people, and even led a mini line dance class for the guests. We sang happy birthday to Austin, and because he is not a cake-eater, I got the first slice of chocolate cake (that I passed on to my friend, Anfisa).
The only little mishap at the party was the PDA with my boyfriend– or lack thereof. I dunno, I’m very much a PDA-type person. This is what I’m used to with men from my past– we’d go HAM with kissing and hugging and holding hands in public settings, to the point of making people uncomfortable. I am a dancer, I use my body to express emotions like love and affection, my primary love language is physical touch. My boyfriend is very different– he’s an engineer, a techie, and has his walls up when it comes to PDA, especially amongst his friends.
I leaned in for a kiss that he rejected, and that felt hurtful. Later in the evening, after the party was over, I was sulking in his room because I felt slighted, and he asked me what was wrong. I explained to him my feelings, and we had a post-mortem discussion about it. Really, we should have had a pre-party chat about how we would present ourselves in our first public outing as a couple. This is another case of me “meeting him where he’s at”. He’s not used to dating/relationships, while I have a preponderance of experience, mostly with trashy men whose cheap actions of kissing in public speak nothing to their commitment towards me– or lack thereof.
In truth, a kiss in public is in no way correlated to how much you love a person. You can love in private, and be a little more reserved in public, and that’s okay. It all depends on your partner’s comfort level with PDA. Austin is all green flags, and I appreciate him for so much more than our physical connection. As many of his friends expressed, he is an all-around kind person with a sharp mind and sweet soul. He is purity embodied, and I feel blessed to be his girlfriend.
He and I are so different– I’m all feeling, he’s more cerebral. We’re both sensitive (after all, we are Pisces), and we care so much about each other. He apologizes when necessary, and I do the same. He has great friends, and I like to think I made a good first impression on them. I’m a fun-loving party girl and performer who thrives in the center of attention (case in point– leading a line dance class at the party). He was a little bit shy when everyone sang happy birthday to him. We are in the early stages of learning each other, and we’re bumping into walls along the way that leave little bruises, but the bruises are quickly healed with open communication. I am perhaps more sensitive than he is, and that’s why I feel like I’ve been hurt more times by him than he has by me. That’s okay, as long as we talk it out and make amends.
He’s in Texas for a week to see his family. I guess I miss him, which is why I woke up with a heaviness in my chest. But I’m also eager to take this week to myself to reset, recalibrate after a stimulating weekend with him, and focus on self-care and sobriety. After finishing this post, I’m gonna head to Bay Club to do some cardio and steam room before my first client at 9:15am.
Do I feel better after some self-reflection and critical analysis of my feelings? Sure. This is me being my own therapist (I recently fired my new therapist who seemed totally checked out during our sessions). I’m sifting through my emotions, finding logic in chaos, which leaves me in a renewed state of quietude and peace. This week apart from Austin is all about me. Mothering myself, finding solace in solitude, and taking it easy before the last 2 weeks of March– a crazy time, indeed. Work is getting insanely busy, but because I love my job, I am excited for the grind. I still plan to move out of my parents’ home in end of April, which is super exciting. That way, I won’t always have to drive to Austin every weekend, and he can come visit me from the privacy of my own place. Making moves to independence, full-fledged adulthood, and freedom!
I feel better now. I hope you guys are doing well. Have a blessed week, enrich your mind, tell your mom and dad you love them, and be happy.
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