Dearest readers,
Last night was… trippy. I think I had some sort of stress-induced breakdown, perhaps it was all the drama over Christmas holiday catching up to me, the sobering realization that I’ve once again taken on too many commitments and stretched myself to the point of breaking, the dread at how much work awaits me the month of January onward, and a million other thoughts consuming my brain. I knew I was going crazy when I was driving in circles around Redwood Shores, having conversations with myself for over an hour. I was like my own drill sergeant / therapist / life coach, verbalizing out loud my most pressing dilemma: doing too much. Nothing new there. But I have a brain that predisposes me to horizontal thinking. I’m a generalist and Renaissance Woman, I have many different interests spanning art, movement, entrepreneurship, creativity. I want to do it all, and I want to pursue my myriad ventures in parallel, and succeed in all of them. This is unrealistic, delusional, and near impossible. Yet, I lack an ability to stop moving. I’m like a shark– I must keep swimming to stay alive. What really gets me is the opportunity cost fallacy. If I give up on one path in favor of another, I can’t stop thinking about the path I’ve forsaken for the time being. What if I missed my shot there? Why can’t I do both things at once? Well, it’s because you won’t get far in either, and you’ll end up burning yourself out.
I didn’t fall asleep last night until 6am. I took 3 sleeping pills and still couldn’t fall asleep. That’s a huge red flag that something is amiss with my brain. But I also got nauseous and threw up last night, shortly after taking my medication, because when I take too many pills all at once it upsets my stomach, and I’m also on these antibiotics, which probably didn’t sit right with all the other meds I took. I took 2 more sleeping pills at 6am and at least got 5.5 hours of sleep. Had to cancel my morning clients, though, which sucked. I’m also a little sick right now… sore throat, coughing. Must be the stress catching up to me. Oh Mojo, how you ruined my Christmas so. Well, my plan is to get a lot of work done today, figure out my health insurance paperwork, hit a workout, teach 2 dance classes later today, and get good sleep tonight. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and I don’t have any plans, really. I’m subletting a friend’s apartment tomorrow night so I can spend NYE in the city partying. But with whom? Have to figure that one out. Okay, time to jump in the cold shower, do some sun salutations and breathing exercises, and get my day started. Talk to you all later!
1:27am
Another late night, but I took my meds and the drowsiness should kick in soon. Guys, before I go to sleep, I simply must recommend this movie to you, it’s called “Front of the Class”. It’s a 2008 Hallmark movie based on the real life of a Georgia schoolteacher named Brad Cohen who lives with Tourette’s Syndrome, a disorder that causes one to experience tics. It can present as making random loud noises, jerky movements, or facial expressions, and there’s no cure for it. The central message of the movie was that Brad didn’t let his TS get in the way of him becoming a teacher. He didn’t let the Tourette’s win. This was BY FAR the best movie I’ve watched all year… gonna write a whole separate blog post reflecting on the lessons and inspiration I gleaned from this film. Wow. Just… wow. I’ve never had a movie make me feel so seen. The outsider syndrome you face when you live with a mental illness, the feeling of being different and alienated from society because of my diagnosis, the inner battle I face between my dreams and limitations, wanting to live a full life despite being told I couldn’t from doctors and people around me, having to lower my expectations a little bit of what I can achieve… Brad didn’t listen to the naysayers, and he credits his Tourette’s as his greatest life teacher. Bipolar, too, has been a most invaluable teacher in many ways. Man. This movie made me cry.
In other news, it’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow! And, the last day of Blogmas 2025. A bittersweet moment. This month flew by… it was very rough at times, but it ended on a great note. I dyed my hair burgundy red today to commemorate the start of a new year, which requires a radical shedding of old parts of myself that no longer serve me. New hair, new me, for a vibrant year ahead. I go to bed at night not panicky and manicky and nauseous like last night, but all up in good feels after watching such a great movie. If Brad doesn’t allow himself to be defined by his disorder, why should I? I am not bipolar. I live with bipolar, but I am not the condition, I am me! Belicia! And I can’t wait to talk to you guys tomorrow, Time to get some zzz’s!
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