Why do good people suffer?
This is the million dollar question that befuddles me in recent days. I have a dear friend who is going through hell on all fronts, and he is genuinely a good person, and I wonder why God has been so unkind to him in recent months. When it rains, it pours, seems to be the theme of his life.
As someone who cares deeply for him, I feel second-hand shock and grief in light of the atomic bomb that has upended his life as he knew it. I am trying to stay emotionally detached while remaining empathetic because I don’t want to get destabilized by this, either. But in light of recent events, I am now searching for answers that can help me understand why all this is happening to him.
I cannot speak for him, only to my own lived experience with hardship. My shade of suffering comes in the form of mental illness. I received an earth-shattering diagnosis at the age of 20 that forever changed my life. I once thought it a death sentence; now I see it as a blessing. A double-edged sword. A weapon I wield with power, a source of infinite strength and creativity. I am not the person I am today without this “illness”, for the journey of healing has humbled me, wizened my soul, and made me a better human, more tolerant and understanding and compassionate towards others. I have turned to tools, skills, and coping mechanisms that form a solid foundation of self-care that I turn to when life throws me curveballs. These skills are well-practiced, and now I stand, at 27, an unshakeable oak tree, strong and sturdy and firmly anchored into the ground, able to withstand any hurricane. I have learned to dance in the rain and sail through life’s storms with gumption and courage. My diagnosis doubles as my strength. I am eternally grateful for all of it– even the moments of unspeakable pain that came from it.
So, what I once thought was a curse, I now see as the biggest gift from God. I truly believe that God grants us challenges that have the potential to shape us into who we were meant to become. A way to nudge us on the path that leads us to truth and wisdom, closer to divinity, more aligned with our essence. In battling pain, we tap into our values and learn more about ourselves. On the darkest night of the soul, you are faced with two options: sink, or swim. You didn’t ask for this suffering, it was sprung upon you. It’s cruel and unfair. But it’s a part of life. God does not promise us freedom from mortal suffering, not even the best of us. So get over the kicking and screaming phase as fast as possible, and then you’ll be free to take the first step towards healing.
Step 1: Accept. You can’t heal or move forward if you haven’t accepted your suffering in its entirety. Don’t deny it, run away from it, or numb yourself to escape from it. Face it head on, with courage, without substances. Do the hard thing, always. The hardest path is what begets the greatest growth.
Step 2: Grieve. Work through the 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. Allow yourself to feel all those emotions in its entirety. Journal about it. Talk through it with loved ones. Go to therapy. Pray and meditate and ask God to help you through the yucky emotions. But don’t dwell too long in the first four phases. The goal is to get to step 5 as fast as possible.
Step 3: Plan. Okay, now that you’ve surrendered to your suffering and accepted that it is real, and maybe it is here to stay (think: chronic illness with no cure, lifelong injury, etc.), create a well thought-out plan with concrete, actionable steps to help you navigate the challenge and make the most out of a rotten situation. It’s time to work. Do your research. Learn as much as you can about the “enemy”, for that’s the only way you can tame the beast, then befriend it, then unleash it to do good in this world. Ask for advice from trusted mentors and professionals, but don’t let the noise of outside opinions deter you from listening to your inner wisdom. You have the answers within, you just need to tap into your intuition through prayer and meditation.
Step 4: Think positive. Keep living your life, one day, one moment, at a time. Don’t let your challenge completely derail you. Try to keep a routine and maintain a semblance of normalcy in your new season of life. Don’t let the darkness eclipse your light. Choice is the last of the human freedoms. Even people in the most trying circumstances (concentration camps, prison, homelessness, war-torn countries), can choose their mindset on how to respond to adversity. Even when you feel powerless over your situation, you always have a choice to see the glass half full or empty. Positive thinking is powerful, and a marker of resilience. I’m not talking about toxic positivity– oh everything’s gonna be okay, I’m just gonna sit here and do nothing and avoid the challenge and keep telling myself things will be okay without doing the work to make them okay. No, don’t be delusional. You’re in a tough situation, so do everything in your power to reclaim your peace.
Step 5: Fight. Here’s a quote from Sylvia Plath’s journals: “Write about your own experience. Read widely of others experiences in thought and action– stretch to others even though it hurts and strains and would be more comfortable to snuggle back in the comforting cotton-wool of blissful ignorance! Hurl yourself at goals above your head and bear the lacerations that come when you slip and make a fool of yourself. Try always, as long as you have breath in your body, to take the hard way, the Spartan way— and work, work, work to build yourself into a rich, continually evolving entity. (p. 47). The Spartan Way, the hard path, removed from comfort and blissful ignorance. You are now a warrior, fighting to not only survive, but thrive, in the face of hardship. This is a noble path, and not one for the faint of heart. Where most people crumble, you will prevail.
Accept. Grieve. Plan. Think positive. Fight.
You may find that what was once your greatest source of suffering is actually your biggest blessing. You emerge from hardship forever changed, for the better. Get excited for the person you will become, and savor every moment of your healing journey– even, and especially, the days where life feels impossible. In those moments, you are challenged to be the strongest you’ve ever been. Turn to God for help. Don’t just survive– thrive. Learn to dance in the rain.
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