Bel 2.0’s Guide to Dating

Dearest readers,

Welcome to today’s post– a revised, revamped, updated approach to dating that I plan to execute in this new season of my life, where wellness, peace, and stability come before all else.

I had therapy at 9am this morning and Zoe prescribed me a new dating approach that perhaps some of you may resonate with.

For some context, I have been actively dating for the past 6 years, minus the 2 year hiatus from 2020 – 2022 due to COVID. I am the master at failed flings, situationships, hookups, that have never amounted to anything more than casual-casual. Indeed, casual flings are my comfort zone, because for the longest time, I deemed myself unworthy of love, because how can someone with bipolar be an ideal partner for anyone? That’s internalized stigma talking. Bipolar, in addition to abuse and trauma from competitive gymnastics, inculcated in me the core belief that I am fundamentally unlovable. Ergo, I purposely avoided long-term committed relationships because I deemed myself undeserving.

Well, in this new season of life, I am working on loving and accepting all parts of myself, and relinquishing the negative core belief in favor of a more hopeful one:

I AM LOVABLE, BIPOLAR AND ALL, AND I DESERVE SOMEONE GREAT WHO SEES ME, ALL OF ME, AND LOVES ME AS I AM. 

In this new era, Bel 2.0 must take a vastly different approach to dating than she did for the past 6 years. So here’s what my therapist recommended.

1. Don’t have sex with anyone who won’t commit to you. In the past, I’d jump into bed with guys too quickly. It’s not just because I like sex. It’s because I wanted to feel desired and loved and validated, even if that validation was just surface-level. I wanted to be lusted after, because I felt that was better than nothing. I didn’t realize that jumping into bed too quickly with a guy was a hinderance to their desire to commit to me. They would relegate me to the category of a “hookup” or “fling”, which boxed me into the title of “one-night stand”, or “friends with benefits”, and all but eliminated my changes to be seen as girlfriend material. Rule of thumb: if you like a guy, don’t sleep with him too soon. Make him earn it. Allow him to get to know you as a person, not just a body. Don’t make yourself an easy catch– respect yourself enough to allow only the most deserving of men into your body.
2. Communicate your desire for commitment very early on. Like, we’re talking, date #1. Say, “I want a committed relationship. I want monogamy. I want a boyfriend. That’s what I’m looking for. I’m ready to settle down. If you aren’t looking for that, then we aren’t a good fit.” Zoe warned that this simple statement would push many guys away– let them leave. They weren’t a good fit, then.
3. Say NO. Integrate that word into your vocabulary, because you will be using it very often in dating, moving forward. Let go of people-pleaser syndrome. Of course they want to sleep with you– you’re a dancer, you’re attractive, you are the stuff of fantasy. But you are so much more than that! Don’t just give them what they want because you want to please them. You don’t owe anyone your body. Cherish yourself, respect yourself, and say no to all but the deserving.
4. Raise your standards. At the bare minimum, they should be ready for commitment. They should also be nice, not arrogant or cocky or narcissistic. You should be able to have deep, stimulating conversations with them and be similar enough in the ways that matter, like your values. They shouldn’t be too much older (I’ve fallen into the trap of dating guys 10+ years my senior, but that’s gonna be difficult in the long-run). Looks matter to a degree, yes, but don’t write off the 5s or 6s just because they aren’t tall or blue-eyed or muscular. Give the good guys a chance, those are the ones who will make you happy long-term.

So, that is how I will approach dating, moving forward. At this moment, dating is not my priority, as I am building businesses while juggling a day-job. But I will not actively reject a great guy if he stumbles into my life. This is my Warrior Queen era, and I’m ready to shine.

What are your tried-and-true practices for healthy dating? Leave a comment below!