ALL ABOARD PRINCESS CRUISE LINES!
Howdy, dearest readers! No, I am not in Texas. I am aboard the Ruby Princess cruise ship, en route to Seattle, Vancouver, and British Columbia! 7 days at sea. 7 days of bliss, doing nothing but eating, dancing, reading, writing, and spending quality time with fam.
Man oh man, has this cruise been a blast so far. It’s currently Day 2 of the trip, 12:52pm as I begin this post. Yesterday we boarded from San Francisco pier at 11am. It’s nice that more cruise ships are embarking from the Bay Area, so we don’t have to fly to a different state to set sail. Shoutout to our friend Chris C. for driving us from our house to the pier. Getting on board the ship was smooth sailing. Lines weren’t terribly long, and I was freakin’ exhausted, going on 2 hours of sleep after an entire weekend of dancing at the Baychata Festival (I danced till 4am on Saturday, hung out with a friend, and didn’t get home until 6:30am).
First thing we did upon boarding the ship was eat lunch at a fine-dining Italian restaurant called Bottecelli. The beauty of cruise ships is that you pay for everything upfront— room and board, food, drinks, etc. So when you go to a sit-down restaurant, you can order anything you want— 4 main courses, if you’re feeling up for it— and you don’t receive a bill at the end of it! So it feels like the food is free, which is liberating.
It was an inopportune time to have canker sores in my mouth. I think I’ve been splurging too much on french fries at Google, which is one of my favorite junk food items. All the grease and oil and salt has made my mouth a hostile space to inhabit, and as much as I want to stuff my face with food on the cruise, the simple act of eating has become an ordeal. I suppose this is good, since it’ll be a brake check mechanism that precludes me from overeating so I won’t gain too much weight. Indeed, it’s normal to gain a few pounds aboard cruise ships, but there was one year in 2012 when we went cruising in Europe aboard the Carnival Breeze, and I was a 14 year-old in the prime of my gymnastics career, and I was terrified to gain weight. I obsessively exercised 3 times a day and restricted my caloric intake throughout the 13-day cruise, completely squandering the point of eating delicious delights, and I ended up losing 5 pounds that trip. I was always an intense, extreme person. None of that, this time around. The Ruby’s gym is beautiful, and I hit a workout this morning— 5 minutes on the treadmill (running on a treadmill on a moving ship is actually quite challenging), free weights and bench training circuit for upper body, leg press, and core. I also paid for a thermal spa package, $149 for the entire trip, and I get access to the steam room and sauna and cold rinse, which is integral to my relaxation routine. It was worth the money, and I have used the spa twice already.
I have effectively established myself as “the dancer” on this trip. There was a dance party on the pool deck during the Welcome Aboard Celebration, and the entertainment crew was leading a bunch of line dances for the passengers, and I planted myself at the front of the crowd, right next to the instructor and danced like nobody was watching. People were, of course, watching me, and shoutout to Mom for being my personal videographer, as I got the whole thing documented! Dad and Chris joined in and tried their very best to keep up. My physician Dad and pianist brother, dancing. How very sweet!
After the dance party was over, some of the crew came up to me and said I was a great dancer, and that they’re always hiring new talent to perform on the ship. How did they know that once upon a time, it was my dream to dance on cruise ships? Growing up, our family did not go camping or hiking. We were not granolas, but lazy, glam travelers. We went on at least 8 cruises from age 10 to 18, which was a blessing that took us all over the world. Thus sparked my affinity towards cruise ships and travel, and what better way to see the world than dance on ships and have room, board, and food all taken care of, so you can save money? It really was once a dream of mine, though I’ve since outgrown that dream, because ship-life is hard, the money isn’t great, you’re stuck in the middle of the ocean away from family (and in my case, doctors and clinicians), so what if something happens to me, like a mood episode, and I can’t get immediate treatment for it? No dancing on cruise ships professionally for me, but I can still dance as a passenger. LOL. One of the restaurant managers came up to me after the party and said, “Some passengers asked me when I’m gonna hire you to be a performer on the ship, and I said that was not my department— I work in food and beverage!” HAH. Dance indeed is a big source of confidence for me, it’s the art form that makes me feel the most seen. I love it with all my heart.
Day 1 could be summed up by the following: dancing (sailaway party, live music, night club), exploring the ship, getting lost a bunch, asking for directions, spa, great food, more dancing, connecting with strangers (all through dance). I slept at 12:30am and woke up this morning at 8:45am to make therapy at 9am, which I took from WhatsApp. It was an important therapy session and we discussed my ever-present, poisonous core belief that I AM UNLOVABLE, given my latest heartbreak and disappointment from a great guy. We remain friends, but it’s totally my fault for chasing after an emotionally unavailable man, as I always do. It doesn’t matter how smart, brilliant, talented, or beautiful I am. For some reason, people don’t want to be in a relationship with me. Is it because of my mental health diagnosis? My general intense temperament? My garrulousness and inability to stop talking? Geez louise, I’ve been craving a relationship for such a long time, I’m lonely as hell (in the romance department), I’m ready for commitment (I think), and somehow I keep chasing after the dudes who aren’t emotionally available for whatever reason. Their reasons for being unavailable may be valid. But why do I insist on going for them? No, that has to change. Zoe said I need to stop going for “high risk” guys who trigger that negative core belief of I AM UNLOVABLE. No, I am very lovable. Just haven’t met the right person. It’s onward and upward from here! This cruise came at just the right time, because I needed space from that guy and men in general, needed to cool my feelings, move on, and focus on healing and self-care and recharging my mental-emotional-physical battery. It’s hard to relax when there are oh-so many things to do aboard the ship, but I must force myself to slow down, otherwise what’s the point of this vacation? That’s what I’m doing right now. Sitting outside my stateroom on the balcony, with a glorious view of the vast ocean in front of me, doing the one thing I love equally as much as dance— writing. Here’s a little phrase that struck me, just now. “The ocean is at once fear-inducing and awe-inspiring.” I glance down at the foamy waves below me and marvel that death is but a climb and a jump away. I’d just… disappear into nothingness. The sea makes me feel small and insignificant. But I’ll still try my hardest to do as much good as I can during my blip on this Earth.
Sorry for the sudden shift in tone of this post, this just got dark and twisty. But having lost a dear friend to suicide, my mind can’t help but go there. Suicide is no longer in my book of options, for I would never do that to myself or the people I love, but too many people with mental health challenges fall through the cracks of our brittle medical system. My goal with Venture True Wellness is simple: to stand as a resource for healing— I won’t do the healing for you, only you can do that, but I’ll provide you with courses, outlets, community, and content that can hopefully inspire you to live a beautiful, vibrant life where health and self-care are paramount above all else.
It’s now 1:13pm. I’m feeling an itch to read— I brought the book, “Autobiography of a Yogi”, and I’m thinking I’ll head to Deck 15 by the pool and start reading it. Then afternoon tea at 3pm with family. Oh, that’s one more thing I want to talk about— my family. This trip has been nothing short of amazing in terms of family-bonding time. I think we kids have all matured significantly and are grateful we get to spend time all together, the 5 of us (sad grandma couldn’t be here as well, but it’s hard for her to travel at age 90). In the past, I’d get moody and grumpy whenever I had to be around family for too long, but this time around, I am grateful. Just grateful to catch up with my brothers, who are both moved out of the Bay, working as engineers in New York and LA. We laugh a lot and crack jokes at memories from the past. Mom and Dad, who I usually get annoyed with because I live with them, are also a joy to be around. Nothing but love and good vibes for the people closest to me. I’m so grateful.
Oh man, this universe is trippy. I just caught glimpse of a green ladybug sprawling on the lawn chair I’m sitting on. Ladybugs are a sign of good luck, aren’t they? At least that’s what I think. And this ladybug was not your usual strawberry red, but bright neon green. How very unique. Sometimes I feel like a green ladybug. I had a woman yesterday even call me, “ladybug”. She was drunk and not making total sense, but she did use that word to describe me. Maybe as a sign of affection and endearment… but yeah, this one I see on the edge of my chair is green. It’s an outlier. And sometimes, I feel like an outlier, too. I am different than the crowd, I stand out by just being me. I am a performer and artist, and I don’t set out to stand out— I just do. I don’t mean to come off as a braggart, guys. My apologies if I do. But people have commented on my energy and intensity, my dark cat-like eyes that pierce into your soul. When I meet someone, I want to know their story… I want to see the divine in them, and be a bright light in their life. Maybe my light casts a small radius, like a single lit candle in a pitch dark room. Maybe it is as bright as the Milky Way. But if I can make you happy, if I can make you cry happy tears, if I can help you escape your monotonous reality and bring you joy for an hour a day through my fitness classes… I have served my purpose. I am like a green ladybug. Different, often misunderstood, but special.
12:40am
Ah, me.. what a night. ’Twas formal night, so I was dressed to the tens in a beautiful red dress my mom got me. It cost a hefty $700— she really does spoil me with the best stuff. I felt like a star, a shy lady in red, with flashes of gold jewelry and heels. My family were also glammed up, and you’d best believe we took many professional photos and got a Christmas picture out of it. I still get nervous for photoshoots, it gives me anxiety, especially when people are watching. I don’t know why I am like this. The only time I feel comfortable in front of a camera is when I dance— I’m in flow, I lose all inhibition, I feel like me freest, truest self radiating on the dance floor, I invite the camera and eat it up. But when I have to stand still and pose, I feel so awkward, trying to force a fake smile. I feel like the camera is picking up on all the parts of my face and body I don’t like and immortalizing it for the world to scrutinize. Scratch that, not the world. The world couldn’t give two shits about how I look. It’s me who cares too much. So I get self-conscious, and the camera is cruel, it captures the fear in my eyes. People say I have a great smile, but it looks weird as hell when I’m faking it. Austin is a lifesaver in this sense— I tell him to make me laugh before the camera flashes, he cracks a hilarious joke, and my smile is genuine. Thank God for him, otherwise I wouldn’t have a single decent photo to take home!
After surviving the photoshoot ordeal, we went to dinner at the same place as last night. I left my family for 30 minutes to watch the first singing/dancing show of the trip, called, Colors of the World. I sat in the very front row, in the splash zone. I could appreciate the many dance styles this show featured, including Classical Indian, Argentine tango, hip hop, and Latin/samba. The songs were covers of famous hits— “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”, “Empire State of Mind”, “Time To Say Goodbye”, “Jai Ho!”, and more. Overall, it was a solid show. The dance snob in me couldn’t help but critique the performers’ technique— especially in the tango number, I could tell that neither dancer was trained in legit tango, they just looked like jazz dancers doing tango moves… I felt like I could have done it better. But I’m not the one who auditioned and got signed onto a cruise agency, so I shouldn’t be talking.
The rest of the night was all about dance. Silent disco party in the Piazza from 9:30-10pm; green color was 70s music, red was 80s, and though I am a 90s girl, I could still appreciate some of these oldies. My favorite was, of course, Y.M.C.A., and mom and dad happened to be standing on the balcony recording us dancing. Imagine. A silent disco, with music known only to those of us on the floor, and the audience must have had a ball watching us move to their perceived silence.
After silent disco, Austin and I headed up to deck 18 for dancing and clubbing. We stayed until close to midnight, and I am so, so proud of Austin for picking up hip hop dancing which has blasted his confidence tenfold. He was the one hyping up the crowd and getting people to move to the center of the dance floor. This is a role I used to inhabit (people have literally hired me to be a party hyper), but I let Austin do his thing while I enjoyed being a dance participant for a change, not a teacher.
This takes us to now, 1:02am. I just splurged on a couple small sandwiches from the International Cafe that is open 24 hours. It reminds me of “late night” from college, which is a general term for the practice of eating—well— late at night, at cafe’s and dining halls that were still open past 9pm.
I’m getting sleepy. In fact, I’ve been pretty sleepy this whole cruise, without my energy drinks fueling me. I realize that I have a caffeine addiction, and it’s actually great that I’m on this cruise for the next 5 days without access to highly caffeinated beverages, so hopefully I can get out of the habit. Yes, I’m sleepier, but I’m healthier, too. And now, it’s time to hit the hay. Back up to Deck 9, room D724 for me. I bet my brothers are asleep already.
Have a good night, y’all, and thanks for reading. Stay tuned for Day 3, tomorrow!
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