How To Give Your Partner Space

Dearest readers,

Happy Wednesday, happy hump day! Just had a cathartic therapy session, and a prime topic we discussed was how to give your partner space when it’s necessary.

In my previous blog post about lessons learned from dating, I talked about the importance of setting and respecting boundaries in a relationship. It’s important to communicate your needs to your partner– you may expect or hope that they can anticipate your every need, but even the closest to us are not mind readers, and it’s your job to communicate your needs, especially if they are going unmet.

Sometimes, what your partner needs is space. Situations and circumstances may arise, some completely unrelated to you, and your partner may be signaling to you that they need some time apart to recalibrate, breathe, and reset. Maybe they’re texting and calling you less frequently, don’t initiate plans, or keep your conversations surface-level. Your intuition is telling you that they are withdrawing, even if they don’t openly say this to you. Not fun, I know. But that’s their way of communicating a boundary to you. Emotionally mature people know how to respect their partner’s boundaries, when warranted. It’s not always easy to do this, especially if you and your partner have different attachment styles. If you’re an anxious attachment style dating someone who is avoidant, that gives rise to many difficulties, and in many cases, these relationships don’t work out– they’re just too painful. But even in the best relationships, taking space from your partner is normal, and can even be healthy.

What do you do when your partner signals to you that they want some time apart?

1. Relax. Don’t worry, this does not necessarily mean it’s the end of the relationship, or a breakup is on the horizon. It’s easy to catastrophize when you feel anxious, especially if you tend to have an anxious attachment style. You could drive yourself crazy by ruminating over the million reasons why your partner may be withdrawing all of the sudden. Your concerns may be valid, or it could all just be in your head. The easiest thing to do in this case is to have an open conversation with your partner, and ask them, “What’s going on?” But also realize that when someone wants space, they may not want to have this conversation right away. That’s totally fine, as well. You can sit with a little bit of uncertainty before revisiting this conversation at a later time.
2. Take care of yourself. My therapist told me today, “You can take care of your own needs.” Your partner is not the only significant person in your life, and your life is much, much more than your romantic relationship. If you’re feeling upset or lonely, turn to other people for support. Meet up with a friend and have a vent session. Try your best to focus on work and projects. Keep living your best life in the meantime. Don’t relinquish your power to another person and allow their moods and behaviors dictate your well-being, for that is the definition of a co-dependent relationship, which is never healthy.
3. Self-soothe. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of emotional regulation, not just in relationships, but in all facets of life. To stay centered amidst personal and professional turbulence is a learned skill, and it takes practice to master. Imagine a life where you were an unshakeable pillar that could withstand any storm. A regal palm tree that emerged from Hurricane Katrina unscathed. Isn’t that empowering? Figure out what works for you in times of stress and anxiety. When your partner needs space, it is normal to feel anxious about it. Accept those feelings, but don’t let them dictate your life. Things that help me: hydrotherapy (steam room, hot tub, cold showers), exercise, breathing and meditation, calling a friend, journaling, writing poetry, therapy.
4. Don’t be reactive. That’s something I’ve always struggle with in the face of insecurity in relationships. My partner signals that they want space, and immediately I feel hurt and rejected. I’m not much of a cryer, but I have resorted to passive-aggressive tendencies and avoidance to cope with the discomfort. My default method is to impulsively end a relationship when we hit a rough patch. I sense they’re withdrawing, which must mean they want to break up with me, so I’m gonna beat them to it and break up first, because it’s easier to be the dumper than the dumpee. This is exactly the pattern my therapist is working with me to break. You don’t run at the first sight of conflict. You communicate, talk it out, and reach a mutual understanding. If you’ve tried all those things and still are having problems, assess whether it’s worth it to keep seeing this person. But don’t impulsively break up with someone, or do something you’ll regret (like cheating on them) in order to make yourself feel better in a heated moment.
5. Positive affirmations. Repeat empowering mantras to yourself when you’re feeling stressed about your relationship. Remind yourself that you’re a catch, you have so much going for you, and you don’t need this relationship in order to thrive. You can care about someone and love them, while knowing that you’ll be perfectly okay without them.