Dearest readers,
Happy Sunday! I write to you perched from a Starbucks high table as I begin today’s post. It’s currently 2:55pm. I had a productive day thus far: taught breathing/meditation class at Canada College, followed by a new mat pilates class right afterwards, then headed to the gym for 40 minutes of dance practice. I practiced my new paso doble routine and drilled cha-cha and rumba walks while chatting on the phone with my brother (I know, I really shouldn’t be on the phone while practicing, but I rarely talk to my brother Austin and wanted to catch up). My parents arrived home from their two-and-a-half-week trip to South America, and I spent a little time at home catching up with my mom. She gave me her usual, “You need to settle down and find a boyfriend and stop fooling around” speech, and also lectured me to start learning basic life skills, like cooking healthy air-fried chicken wings. I told her that I would, if I had the time, but alas, time is a luxury I do not have at this moment in my life. Hustling to make ends meet with work and grow my brand and business. Writing my memoir. Starting my podcast. Getting all my fitness certifications. Driving all across the Bay Area to teach at eight different companies. It’s a lot… it really is. And that’s the topic of today’s post: a deep-dive vent into my near-impossible schedule.
Before we get into it, I want to take a detour and talk about last night, which was a fun and memorable experience! It was my friend Ted’s 27th birthday party, and he invited me to this mini golf place in San Francisco called Holey Moly, which is this themed mini golf arena with a bar and restaurant. Also present at the party were his two friends, Eileen and Anastasia. We were all 27 year-olds doing 27-year-old things: eating, drinking, bantering, laughing. They asked me about my career as a fitness instructor, and I told them the truth: I love what I do, but I’m exhausted most of the time. My job is people-facing and inherently social, but it doesn’t afford the opportunity to meet people my age, let alone date them. Indeed, dating was a big topic of conversation last night. All three of my friends were in relationships, and as usual, I was the only single person at the table. More than envy, I was curious as to why dating seems to come so easily to some people, but is an ongoing challenge for me. Eileen said I wasn’t missing out on much– relationships are hard. Anastasia said she was in a relationship for eight years before it ended badly, and she vowed to stay away from men for at least six months, but found her next boyfriend three months later. I squirmed upon hearing this. Yes, I’m glad she found her person… but seriously? It just fell in her lap, like that?
I totally get how I sound right now. Bitter, jealous, insecure. It’s not a good look. But I’m working on being more of a yogi and accepting situations as they are without judgment. I know why I’m single. I’m picky and have exceedingly high standards, almost to the point of perfectionism. I want to find the “perfect” guy who checks all the boxes: smart, ambitious, kind, handsome. I don’t know if such a man exists beyond my fantasy. The only place I go to meet guys, besides the dreaded dating apps, is Friday night salsa dancing. As my therapist pointed out, I’m not meeting the right guys there. Most men who go out alone to salsa dancing are players, just looking for a night of casual fun. Been there, done that!
Truth is, do I really have time to date right now, with all the empires I’m building? In moments of angst, I tell myself, “I don’t need no man. I just need myself, my goals, and dance. I’m perfectly content being single.” This mindset allows me to transcend insecurity, but it really is a deflection technique for facing the difficult emotion of loneliness. I surround myself with all sorts of people in my work, but you can be standing in or in front of a crowd and still be the loneliest person in the room. I feel like when I’m up in front of people, I am performing for them, which is a type of connection, but it’s ephemeral… fleeting. Admiration and respect do not necessarily beget authentic connection. People are seeing a side of me: Belicia the teacher, Felicia the sexy dancer and performer. But they don’t know anything about me, beyond the public persona.
I want to meet someone who can see all parts of me and love me for who I am. Until then, I will make the most of my singlehood. I was on the phone with my brother Austin, earlier today, and he told me about an epiphany he had the other evening. Like me, he’s been single all his life. He’s not actively looking to date right now, for his own reasons. But one night he had an impulse to get out of bed, put on his sneakers, and shoot some hoops for a couple of hours. So he did. And he felt great.
“I probably couldn’t do something like that if I had a girlfriend. I mean, have that kind of freedom to just… do whatever I want, whenever I want. I wouldn’t have to report to someone or tell them what I’m up to. I’m not beholden to anyone.”
I took note of his comment, and reflected on all the moments in my adult life where I just acted of my own accord. I realized that freedom is a blessing that I’ve taken for granted. I am single, and thus, can do what I please. I can take on as much work without worrying how it’ll disrupt my work-life balance. I can go to the gym and practice dance whenever I feel like it. I get all glammed up for salsa night Friday dancing and come back at 1am without anyone shouting in protest (besides my mom, sometimes). In fact, personal freedom is something I value most. I want to be a free spirit and not be tied down by anyone who takes away my freedom. In turn, I like to give other people that same freedom. Perhaps that’s the kind of guy I need to find: someone who is absolutely their own person, has their own interests and hobbies and passions, is committed to their career, and gives me space to grow in the all the ways I want to. And yes, we should also grow together, and find common interests and make space in our busy work lives for each other. But I could never live happily with someone breathing down my neck, monitoring my every move, or exacting judgment towards my every decision. I refuse to have my wings clipped.
Anyway, dating rant, concluded.
Next topic: the work-life hustle. As I’m getting older (and hopefully wiser), I’ve come to realize that one can never strike a perfect work-life balance. It’s never gonna be 50-50 all the time. Balance is a dynamic, living breathing entity, that you must continuously tend to. Perhaps a better word is BLEND. Life for me lately is early mornings (out of bed at 7am) and late nights (11pm bedtime). All the in between is a non-stop juggling act of teaching, driving to teach, stolen moments for writing and reading, growing my business, and dance practice. I work seven days a week. I teach 33 classes a week, with everything combined. This excludes time spent on the road, commuting to my various teaching gigs. Everything is meticulously laid out on my Google Calendar. If it’s not in the calendar, it doesn’t exist.
I get a strange satisfaction from going to bed dog-tired, knowing I’ve given my all to my work that day. It’s hard, sometimes brutal work, but how I love it so. Am I thriving? I’d say, at this point, I’m entrenched in survival mode. Just trying to get through each day, and try not to burn out or get injured.
I had a couple last-minute cancellations today, so I’m taking this time for some much-needed rest and reflection. I’m thinking of making this a weekly series: Sunday musings. Reflecting on the high and low points of the past week, and setting up an intention for the week ahead.
Lows:
- too much drinking.
- not enough eating.
- late night snacking.
- got ghosted by a couple guys after shooting my shot.
- staying out too late Wednesday night for bachata dancing.
- re-stoking old flames that should have been left to ashes.
Highs:
- handling the ghosting with grace. moved on the next day, and now I’m totally fine and content!
- took a mental health day on Thursday and used sick hours to rest (prioritizing self-care!)
- taught great classes and garnered praise and gratitude from students
- lending a helping hand to a former lover (it went unreciprocated, but the intention to help is all that matters)
- actually practiced dance (some 30 minutes here and there throughout the day… but it was a focused, intense 30 minutes)
- improved in my dance lessons (teachers acknowledged my improvement, which was great to hear)
Intentions for the coming week:
- stay sober as a nun. I’m already doing a great job today. No alcohol cravings at all.
- be nicer to my friends.
- eat more regularly. at least two meals a day, plus protein-rich snacks, like almonds.
- stop eating snap pea crisps before bed.
- if I go to salsa dancing, do it for pure intentions: the love of dance. not because i’m seeking for male attention.
- don’t drink at salsa dancing.
- work hard so I can enjoy the party I’m going to next Saturday.
And that is my reflection! Ah, I’ve written for almost an hour. Getting my writing chops back. That’s all for today, thank you guys for reading!
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