Dearest readers,
It is Sunday, December 7, as I write to you all from the comfort of my bed.
I apologize for not getting my Blogmas up yesterday, as I had a rough day and there was not a creative bone in my body as I was suffocating through the fog of depression.
I’ve been vulnerable with you guys about my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which hits me during cold and dark winter months. During this time, I tend to have lower energy, there sits a heaviness in my chest that no amount of caffeine or stimulants can lift, and writing becomes an ordeal, like trudging through molasses. It happens every year, and this year is no different.
I am no stranger to depression. I have many coping skills to lean on while depressed, and this year, I am trying out bright light therapy, where I sit in front of my bright lamp (10,000 lux) for 15-30 minutes every morning. Unfortunately, I haven’t been consistent with this practice, so I can’t say I’ve reaped benefits from it.
It’s currently 1:54pm and no one showed up for my expressive writing group (just like no one showed for my breathing and meditation class this morning) which is making me feel a little bit down… I hope it’s not a problem with the Zoom link, and maybe people are just busy because it’s the holidays and this is a frenetic, chaotic time of the year. Maybe that’s what’s happening. So I figured I’d hop on here and finish my Blogmas from yesterday and today.
Yesterday was tough, but what helped me feel better was a sense of accomplishment: I have yet another fitness certification under my belt. This was the “human reformer pilates” certification. It’s a sub-style of pilates created by this lady named Lauren, and it uses these bands that mimic the mechanics of a pilates reformer (that machine in the gym that looks a little bit like a torture device). You guys know what I’m talking about? I can’t find the language to describe it, but to this day, I haven’t used the reformer. I’m hoping to get my reformer pilates certification in March 2026. It’s an involved process to get certified– the cert (which I’m doing through Equinox) spans over a year, but after that, you can teach reformer pilates at any gym that offers this service, and my goal eventually is to run a freelance business where I train reformer at people’s homes. I have a mentor, Chelsea, who is a full-time pilates teacher, and she makes over six-figures just through pilates teaching, which I’m hoping I can do as well.
The training yesterday was 4 hours, but on the email they said it was 2 hours, from 12:30-2:30pm, so I had to cancel my 3:30pm commitment since I was still in training. That schedule change was a little bit irksome, but things happen in life. We started the training with a class– the instructor, Kirstin, led us through a 2-hour class that set my abs and glutes on fire, and it’s really cool how effective those black bands are in getting you an effective core workout. We covered pilates theory and anatomy, and by 4:30pm, we received our little paper “diplomas”, and I felt accomplished. My goal is to get all my certifications done by age 30– think of it as a form of education, my version of grad school, if you will. I’m gonna get well-versed in this fitness modality and plan on teaching it at Bay Club once I’m more familiar with it.
Later in the night, I went to this singles mingle event at The Patio in Palo Alto. I’ve been to some previous events through this Meetup group, and the last event I attended was an utter disappointment. There were no guys I was into at the event, and it seemed that all of them were looking for wives, not to mention that the gender ratio was appalling: 90% dudes, 10% women. Testosterone overload! I had no expectations going into this one. But before I got ready for the event, I laid in bed and did a guided meditation called “Manifesting Desires” where I prayed to the Universe and asked it to help me find someone special. The Universe, kind as it is, delivered. I met not one, but two guys with whom I shared deep, insightful conversations. Against my better judgment, I was open about my mental health status, and surprisingly, both of them said they had the same thing! What are the freakin’ odds?! They both liked me, and I took a liking to them, and even though I really am not emotionally available to get into anything serious right now, I appreciated the connection and would very much like to be their friends. So I’d consider last night a success.
…
Today… man, I slept a bunch. Like. 12 hours. This is what happens when I’m depressed, I sleep way more than usual. I woke up at 12:30pm and reluctantly peeled off the blankets and rolled out of bed. First thing I did was take a cold shower to kickstart me out of my stupor. It did the trick, and once I got dressed, I drove to the grocery store to buy a Celsius energy drink (I really should get those in bulk at Costco, would save me some money). It’s a beautiful sunny day here in the Bay, albeit a little chilly. I took a quick walk on the levee and sat on the wooden bench overlooking the water and basked in a generous dose of Vitamin D. Then I headed home just in time for my expressive writing group, but like I mentioned, nobody showed up, which was a first. Usually, at least a couple people attend the event, and I was surprised since there were 7 sign-ups through Meetup. I thought it was a problem with the Zoom link, but once I double checked, I realized the Zoom link was fine. Oh well, you win some and lose some. I still got two things to do today: Mental Health support group (God knows I need that right now) and a podcast interview with this eloquent girl named Claire, who is good friends with another girl I interviewed for my podcast. Looking forward to chatting with her in a couple hours.
I plan on hitting a workout after my calls are finished. I have a tendency to put on weight when I’m depressed, since I tend to splurge on carbs and sugar for comfort when I’m feeling low, and I have less energy to stay active. I’m trying to give myself grace during this time, but the body image issues are real. I need to stay consistent with working out, even if I go as intensely. Any physical activity will make a big difference.
After working out, I’ll meet up with bestie Allan for boba. I’ll be honest, when I’m depressed, I just want to isolate from the world and curl up in bed with a book or a movie and hide under my covers. In these moments, I have to practice opposite action: doing the opposite of what you feel like doing. So if I feel like isolating, I need to make it a point to socialize, even if it’s something low-key like a 30 minute hangout or conversation with a trusted friend who will listen to you, without judgment, and accept you even when you aren’t fun to be around. Allan is one such friend, and I’m grateful for him.
Anyway, that’s all the energy I have for today’s Blogmas. I hope you all are taking care of yourselves. If you also face seasonal depression, you’re not alone. I’m here with you, fighting the good fight. Will talk to you guys tomorrow!
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