A Day of Reckoning

Dearest readers,

Happy Friday. I hope this night finds you in better spirits than I am, at present.

It’s a sad day when your body fails you. I am 27, I am still young, I should be in the prime of my athleticism. But here I am at 8:36pm, icing my left knee with a giant bag of frozen wontons. I taught a dance fitness class and mat pilates class earlier today, then two wedding couples from 5-7pm. My knee started bugging me in the middle of my second wedding couple. I may have tweaked it demonstrating a fancy move for the first couple, who wants a show-stopper routine filled with fancy dips and daring lifts. Yup, that’s probably when it happened. It hurts to fully straighten my knee and I’m officially limping. It was probably a sign from God that I shouldn’t go out salsa dancing tonight, which is a bummer, since I really wanted to. But I can barely walk right now, so dancing is out of the question. A quiet night in is necessary, because this past week my health has been brittle. Mental, physical, you name it.

I’m still recovering from a cold that started over Christmas holiday. The hacking cough is persistent, and I should have taken time off fitness teaching to convalesce, but I tried to be a “hero” and push through, and it’s been brutal teaching while sick. It’s also not very responsible; I could get my students sick, as well. Old dude at the front of my pilates class RAN over to the hand sanitizer station right after class, and I don’t blame him. That’s why I decided to take all of tomorrow off from teaching.

My sleep schedule has been fucked. I had insomnia a couple nights this past week, which is usually a warning sign that something might be up with my brain. I slept better last night, but I didn’t get my requisite 9 hours, which is no bueno.

My dating life is looking up, as I met a great guy on New Year’s Eve, but it’s still very new and we’re taking it slow. I like him, but I’m also trying to not get my hopes up too high so I don’t get disappointed if it doesn’t work out. But at least that’s one thing going right in my life right now, while everything else seems to be falling apart.

I’m broke. Like, literally, burning through my savings broke. I’m starting 2 companies, and the reality of that burden just hit me today, when I had a meeting with my co-founder, Ethan, who updated me on the app development and said we’re about ready to launch the beta. I’ve been pretty hands off with this business, thus far, letting Ethan do all the work of building the app (he is the CEO, and he doesn’t have a day job). I’ve been so focused on Venture True Wellness, the podcast and blog, my community events, content creation, ON TOP of my day job, I haven’t devoted much, if any, time to my second company. That is gonna change very soon. After the app is launched, we have to do a big push on marketing, which is where I come in.

Guys, I can hardly keep track of my 5 instagram accounts I run (personal, podcast, VTW, yoga2music, move_with_bel), and I certainly cannot take on another account. I’m also terrible at content creation. If I had unlimited resources, I would hire a social media marketer to handle all the marketing BS, and I’d focus on what I do best, which is teaching. But alas, I am broke, and I’m pouring my heart and soul into VTW and not seeing any return on investment. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Am I even cut out for content creation? Are all my efforts going to bear fruit, one day? I felt so freakin’ discouraged on the car ride back from Google, and that’s when I bucked up and gave myself a long, firm pep talk.

What is my priority? Financial independence. Is your energy being placed in things that will make you money? No. I’m not making any money from anything I’m doing (besides my day job). Podcast. Blogging. Community Events. I’m bleeding into savings to pay this guy to help me with content creation and redo my website, and while it’s important to delegate, it’s also important to know how to do your own shit, cuz no one can do it better than you can. All the money I make from fitness and dance teaching, which is not a lot, is going into the business. My pockets are empty, bank balance low. Stress levels high as I drive around the Bay, teaching to and fro. 

Money is a funny thing. When you’ve never had to worry about it, you don’t necessarily hunger for it. I’ve never in my life had issues with money, having everything (education, gymnastics training, tutors, music and dance teachers) taken care of by Mom and Dad. I grew up in suburbia Redwood Shores, a charmed, white-picket fence life with upper middle-class parents working endlessly to provide for us. My first job out of college was SAT English and Math tutoring. I worked my way through COVID doing remote tutoring, and I was able to save a lot. And then the doors of life reopened, and the problems began.

It started with my ambition. I had this notion that by age 30, I wanted to have earned all of my fitness/wellness certifications. Why 30? Seems like an arbitrary number. But that’s the goal I set for myself, so I invested big money into my fitness certifications, which I saw as a form of graduate school.

First came dance fitness (age 21). Then yoga (age 24). Then pilates and personal training (age 25). I also spent BIG money on online courses that claimed to be able to teach other fitness and yoga instructors how to start their own courses (classic B-to-B business model. They make bank, of course.) The first course, which was created by a friend from college, Richard Yu, scammed the shit out of me and many others. I petitioned for a refund, even tried to play the mental illness card and had my doctor write a note, but to no avail. I didn’t get my $7800 back, and they revoked my access to the course. Case in point of the dangers of mania– you make big-ticket, impulsive expenditures that can bring a lot of bipolar people into debt. Thankfully, I didn’t go into debt, I had enough savings to cushion me from the blow, but it was an expensive lesson: mania may feel good, but it’s also dangerous. Not a mood state to romanticize.

You would think I would have learned my lesson the first time. But then, some influencer popped up on my Instagram feed last year, some dude named Andy Zoltan, he also created a course for yoga instructors that taught them how to create their own online courses. This guy seemed to know what he was talking about, he had glowing testimonials, he was a yoga specialist, which was my niche, so I bought his course. Another manic decision. Not quite as expensive as Richard’s, but was still up there. Just today, I got an email from the founder saying that my course expires on February 4! Here I was, thinking I’d get lifetime access to the course (guess I didn’t read the fine print), so I bought it with the intention of taking it, but got sidetracked and busy with so many other things, I never touched it. I will not let my money go to waste, so I have the remainder of this month to go HAM with studying this course and hopefully learn from it.

I am currently trying to build my own online fitness course. Everything I teach– yoga, pilates, dance, strength training– put it online. Seems easy enough, right? But I have been procrastinating hard core on filming. Why? Perfectionism, for one, I want the videos to be Steven Spielberg caliber, but that’s impossible. At least I hired a videographer to help me film, but that also costs money. Money I don’t have. I got sick and also got out of shape over the holidays (too much lounging around and drinking/eating, not enough weight lifting). Cue the body image issues. I would rather die than be on camera, teaching a fitness class, while NOT in peak shape. How can someone look at me and want to buy my course if I am not toned, cut, ripped? I need to walk the walk, my body is my brand, it’s my source of credibility. So before I even get to filming, I must get back into shape.

I know this is disordered eating thinking… a product of my involvement in competitive rhythmic gymnastics and dance. No one gives a shit if you’re 130 pounds versus 120. If you teach well, if you know your stuff, you can sell a fitness course, even if you’re not a size zero. STFU, Bel, you’re fine. 

Okay, so this is my present predicament. I’m busy, very busy, but not making forward progress in anything. My day job is my day job, and I can always get more work, increase my number of clients, and make a six-figure salary that way. But I want to keep enough time free so I can start my online business. Doing both seems realistic, right? Except VTW is a BEHEMOTH of a media company, it’s not just courses, there’s also a podcast and a blog and a newsletter to run. There’s social media marketing, content creation, I basically have to become a fitness influencer. I am trying and not succeeding at this… (maybe because I just started and content creation is hella competitive, and I’m running way too many accounts). And, my heart is not in the whole business of making videos and posting online for likes, subscriptions, money. I just don’t buy into that crap. But I have to do this to start an online course. I hate selling my soul to my work, and don’t get me wrong, I enjoy 99% of the work I do (in person teaching), but this social media crap is really burning me out, for real.

Anyway, I could keep moaning and groaning about my present situation but I don’t want to go to bed with resentment, anger, or self-pity. Here’s the long-short:

• im broke. i’ve never been broke before, never had to worry about money. now that i do, it’s actually scary. money buys peace of mind, money buys location freedom, money buys creative freedom, money allows you to pursue your passions.
• im putting energy into things that don’t make me money. my free community events, while noble, don’t make me money, and i often don’t feel appreciated when running those groups #keyboardwarriors. so im putting those on hold so i can free up my sundays and have more time for other things.
• getting more certs is not gonna make me more money. i have wayyyy too many fitness certs as is… and i happen to be good at teaching them. why not focus on the ones I have (dance, yoga, pilates) and build a brand around those, instead of scattering myself across a gazillion things? i have a whole lifetime to learn other healing modalities, should i feel called to (reiki, sound healing, yoga therapy, etc.)
• you’re doing great work, bel. sure, you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, yet. and don’t worry, it’s not the light of an oncoming train. but it’s gonna be amazing.
• focus on your priorities. what thing will make you the most money (besides your day job)? do you really want to sell online courses, just because everyone seems to be doing it? what about your business with Ethan, it’s a lot easier to co-found something because doing everything on your own is just too hard. not impossible, but damn difficult. should you pivot and focus on the app, and leave VTW as a passion project? no, i want VTW to succeed. but maybe chill out with it a little… get some rest and take care of your health.

All these questions I leave up in the air. Maybe in prayer and meditation I will find the answers. Time to hit the hay, I have a headache. Take care, everyone, and talk to you soon.