Dearest readers,
Happy Sunday! It’s 10:51am as I begin today’s post, in a bit of a sour mood for a couple reasons.
I’m buckled into the car with my family, on the way to Sunnyvale to lunch with a family friend, Auntie Tracy. Sundays are service days, and I run 3 groups: breathing/meditation, expressive writing, and a mental health peer support group. I thought lunch with Auntie Tracy would be only an hour, and I’d be able to make it back in time for my 1:30pm writing group. False. We are driving 30 minutes to Sunnyvale, gonna eat lunch at a Chinese restaurant, then we’re touring her refurbished house in Santa Clara. Thus, I had to cancel my writing group, which I hate doing. I hate letting people down, and one of my pet peeves is breaking my well-refined, structured routine. Family outings are also rough for me– to this day, I still feel like the black sheep in my squarish, straight-edged family, and my relationship with my mom is complicated, as are most mother-daughter relationships. She takes great joy in criticizing me, citing criticism as a form of love. I just want you to be better. She criticized the outfit I had selected for the outing, and I had to change out of my red hoodie and opt for a red cashmere cardigan. A minor inconvenience, but it still brought my mood down.
I suppose I’m in a bit of a sensitive mood state right now, because I received a somewhat negative review from my breathing/meditation class this morning. One lady who left me a review said that the audio quality of my class was poor… she said she turned her phone on max volume and still couldn’t hear me clearly. She left me a 4/5 star for my group, which isn’t terrible, but her review left me peeved. I run these groups from the goodness of my heart, don’t charge any money for them, and yet, people still have negative things to say. Interesting that another person gave me a 5 star review, so I can’t help but wonder if the poor audio quality was something only she experienced from her end. No one else complained about it.
This leads me to the heart of today’s post: the one-to-ten ratio of positive to negative thoughts. For every one positive thought we have, we experience 10 negative thoughts that effectively negate the positive. Instead of thinking, One person really liked the group and rated it a 5 star, I fixate on the one glaring negative review, that wasn’t really that negative. I take all sorts of feedback to heart and respond accordingly. I shouldn’t let the haters get me down. I need to grow a thicker skin surrounding negative comments and barbs. She wasn’t criticizing me personally, she was just offering her honest feedback about the group so I can make it a better experience for people in the future. That’s it. Constructive criticism should be welcomed, not feared. And you know you’ve made it when you start to get haters– it means you’re putting yourself out there, which is scary, but noble. I must be more mentally stalwart as I run my business, because business is brutal, and you need to be tough to swim in the choppy waters.
Anyway, my dad assured me we’ll be home by 3pm, just in time for my mental health peer support group. This is my favorite group to run, because I feel like I’m truly making an impact in other people’s lives. It’s also the scariest group to run– you have new people coming in each week from all parts of the world, with all sorts of backgrounds and unique mental health challenges. My job is to facilitate the group effectively, make sure everyone gets a chance to share and be heard, foster a supportive, respectful, and empathetic environment. It’s humanity at it’s finest: strangers coming together, being vulnerable with one another, and forming a vessel of support in a world that doesn’t fully embrace neurodivergence. I’m so glad I don’t have to cancel this group today because of a family commitment. I’m slightly peeved that my parents don’t seem to understand that weekends are my busiest time, and they schedule mandatory outings that throw a fork in my routine. Indeed, managing a mood disorder demands structure, discipline, healthy habits, and smooth-running systems that keep me on track with stability. Because of a miscommunication, I thought this outing was supposed to be last week, and I canceled my groups last week, only for my brother to inform me that no, he made a mistake, and the outing was actually today. That means I had to cancel my writing group two weeks in a row, which in my book, is unacceptable. Anyway, I should stop complaining. This is an example of me focusing on the negative instead of appreciating the positive: we get to reunite with a dear family friend, eat good food, have stimulating conversations (I hope).
No, I refuse to succumb to negativity. According to yoga philosophy, when you’re trapped in a negative spiral of rumination, you must introduce the opposite thought, a more positive way of thinking, that counteracts the negative.
12:53pm
Just finished lunch with Auntie Tracy and her family! I’m feeling much better after getting some delicious Chinese dim sum in my belly, and we shared great conversation, life updates, and laughs over the lazy susan table. Now we’re on the way to Auntie Tracy’s house, gonna look at her remodeled kitchen. While the car ride to the restaurant was strained, especially between me and mom, things are looking up. I feel like that’s the way it goes with me and my mom– we’ll bicker for a minute, then the next minute we’re fine again. I can’t change her shortcomings, and she can’t change mine, and that’s okay.
I’ll check back in with you guys later after my mental health group. Wishing you well, and if you’re in the Bay Area, California, try to stay dry from the torrential rain!
3:48pm
Finished up my groups for the day! I’ve definitely run better groups in the past. I had about 7 people join the Zoom call for my mental health group, and in the end, only 2 people remained. It’s always disconcerting when people hop off the zoom call early. Did they not like it? Was it not engaging enough? Again, focusing on the negative, as opposed to the fact that I was able to help at least one person with their challenges. All I can do is try my best, and my best is enough. I’m gonna spend the rest of my day relaxing. Allan and I are gonna watch a movie at 4:50pm, and I’m craving some popcorn chicken, which we’ll grub on at the boba shop next to the theaters. Gonna hit a quick hydrotherapy session at the gym before movie time.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and I’ll talk to y’all soon!
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